The Healing Heart
by A. Price
Summary: Spike is still not himself, he needs more help then Buffy can give him a new doctor in town wants to try.
1. Default Chapter

He sat very still on the bench, the moonlight bouncing off his unkempt  
hair. The small blond sat beside him, speaking a soft, calm voice.  
Dr. Dana Lavery watched the exchange for the third time this week,  
the girl trying to coax the young man to leave with her. It always turned out  
the same way, his eyes would turn wild and he would frantically  
scramble away from her muttering something about not being deserving  
of her. She really hadn't meant to eavesdrop but something about   
these two tore at her heart. She found herself wanting to help this  
sad young man. She could also tell the young woman's patience was  
running thin although she always seemed to return to try again.  
****  
  
"I'm being good, aren't I? Quiet as a mouse...." He laughed softly,  
although mice aren't always quiet are they? Running through the  
house, up and down the bookcases." He turned to look at the girl  
next to him, "But I'm being a good mouse?"  
  
Buffy nodded at him, "Yes, Spike. You're quiet, you're a good little   
mouse." Tears threatened to spill as she took his hand in hers, "Why,  
don't you let me take you home with me? We can give you a nice warm  
bath, wash your hair?" She moved one hand to push back an dirty,  
unruly curl.  
  
Spike jumped back as if her hand was made of fire, "No, no, mustn't  
go with you, only hurt you, I always hurt the girl."  
  
"You aren't hurting me now." She tried to keep hold of his hand but  
he pulled it back.  
  
"Don't deserve you." With that he ran away leaving Buffy to sit   
alone on the bench. She realized last week that it did no good to chase him  
when he got like this. She sat on the bench alone for several moments  
before she started home.  
  
***  
The next evening the strange sad man sat alone on the bench as Dana jogged by. He   
was still alone, the little blonde had not joined him yet. Dana   
smiled as she passed him, he was unresponsive to the gesture. She  
suddenly turned around and jogged back towards the bench, she  
stopped in front of him. "Hello." She said in a kind voice.  
  
Spike stared at her with uncertainty in his eyes, "You aren't Buffy."   
  
"No, I'm not. Is Buffy your friend, the girl that meets you here?"  
Dana asked him smiling a friendly smile.  
  
He hesitantly nodded, "Yes, Buffy..." Tears filled his eyes,"You aren't  
her." He repeated.  
  
She cautiously sat down by him, "No, I'm not Buffy. I'm a doctor,  
Doctor Lavery. I help people, people who are hurting like you are."  
  
"Don't deserve help." Spike pulled the tattered jacket tighter   
to his thin frame.  
  
"Everyone deserves help. Won't you come with me, let me help you?"  
Dana reached her hand out to him.  
  
"Don't deserve Buffy's help." He shook his head furiously.  
  
"I'm not Buffy, you can take my help. Please." She lay her hand  
on his arm, "Please."  
  
"You're not Buffy." Spike looked at the tall woman with the short  
brown hair, her eyes were blue and full of kindness. Should he  
take a chance? Buffy kept telling him he needed help, it might make  
her happy? "I'll go."   
  
"Okay, walk with me to my car and we'll drive to my clinic, we have  
nice comfy rooms and you can take a bath and be warm and no one  
will hurt you." Dana stood and smiled at him, "Come on."  
  
Spike followed her to the car a few paces behind.  
  
****  
  
Buffy was a few minutes late meeting Spike in their usual place,  
she was worried when he wasn't anywhere near thier bench. She  
just happened to look up and see his familiar form following a  
woman in a light blue jogging suit. "Spike." She called to him, but  
he was getting in the car with the woman. She began to run down  
the street following the car. Who was the woman and what was she  
doing with Spike?  
  
She ran to keep up with the car but lost sight of it around a corner.  
She continued to run down the street hoping to catch sight of Spike.  
  
***  
  
"Okay, here we are." Dana spoke in a soothing voice, Spike had   
seemed to be nervous on the trip over, playing with the frayed cuff   
of his jacket.  
  
"We're here." Spike repeated as Dana opened the door for him and  
led him into the back door of the clinic.  
  
He followed her into an exam room where she instructed him to sit  
on an exam table. Pulling out her stethescope she opened Spike's  
shirt slightly, "This may be cold, I want to check out your heart  
and vitals." She moved to place the stethescope on his chest when  
she was interrupted by a small blond blur.  
  
***  
  
Buffy spotted the car pulling into the parking lot of what looked  
like a clinic. She ran faster as she watched Spike go into the  
building. When she could read the sign it said in larger letters,  
Sunnydale Psychiatric Clinic, Inpatient and Outpatiend Services offered.  
Dr. Dana Lavery. She barged in the door that Spike had gone in.  
  
"What are you doing to him?" Buffy's voice filled the room,  
causing Spike to jump.  
  
"Buffy?" He asked from the table.  
  
"Yes, it's me. It's okay, Spike." She smiled at him and patted   
his shoulder, then turning to Dana she repeated her question,"What  
are you doing to him?"  
  
"Miss, um.. Buffy? I just wanted to help your friend, Spike is it?"  
Dana explained, "I'm not going to hurt him, I promise."  
  
"I'm sorry I yelled, it's just that...Spike is special, not your  
normal patient." Buffy explained as she went to help Spike down  
from the table.  
  
"Special in the fact that he doesn't breathe?" Dana asked before   
Buffy could take Spike from the room.  
  
Buffy turned around her eyes wide with shock, "You're mistaken,  
of course he breathes."  
  
"No, I watched carefully the entire trip, he doesn't breathe and   
I bet there's no pulse either. He's not entirely human is he?"  
Dana prodded.  
  
"Dr. Lavery is it? I don't know what you're thinking but I think  
it's best that I just get Spike out of here." Buffy took Spike's arm.  
  
"Please let me try to help him, I know about special cases like  
Spike. I practiced in LA, we had some trouble with some creatures  
trying attacking our vulnerable patients. A man named Wesley helped  
us with the problem and I learned a bit about things that go bump  
in the night." Dana walked towards Spike, she put her hand on  
his other arm and guided him to a chair.   
  
Buffy let Dana put Spike in the chair but kept a close eye on him,  
"So you know he's not human, and you still want to help him? Why?"  
  
"I help people thats what I do. And he seems like a troubled soul."  
  
"That would be one way to describe him." Buffy sighed as she sat  
down next to Spike, "Do you really think you can help him?"  
  
TBC 


	2. part 2

Dana looked at the two people - correction one person and one vampire  
sitting in her exam room. She was quite sure she had never seem  
two more miserable beings in her life. There was a story between  
these two she was sure of it. She hoped she could get Buffy to open  
up and tell her the story, it could go a long way towards helping  
Spike.   
  
"Buffy, I really do believe I can help him. But I'm going to need  
your help. First off, he wasn't always like this was he?" Dana  
moved to stand in front of Spike, "May I look at your chest? I  
think I have something that might make those cuts feel better."  
  
Spike looked to Buffy first. She nodded at him, "Go ahead, Spike.  
Let the doctor see. And no mam, he wasn't always like this. It's only been  
since he got back into town a couple of months ago."  
  
He turned back to Dana and slowly began to unbutton the rest of his  
shirt. Dana and Buffy both gasped when he finally had the shirt  
completely undone. The few cuts they had seen were nothing compared to  
the complete mess his chest and abdomen were.   
  
"Spike." Buffy gasped slowly reaching her hand to touch a partially  
healed cut.  
  
"No,this is wrong shouldn't be here ." He curled his feet up into the chair  
underneath him. Looking so forlorn, that Buffy teared up again  
as she pulled her hand back from him.  
  
Dana watched as the scene on the park bench replayed. Buffy trying to  
help and Spike pulling back. He didn't seem to want Buffy's help,  
yet she could tell that Buffy meant something to him, something  
important. She poured the antisetpic on to a four by four and   
began to dab at the dried blood. "I just want to clean this up for  
you okay."  
  
Spike looked at Buffy again for approval, "Yes, please let her  
fix you up okay?"  
  
"Why?" He asked her as a moment of lucidity passed over him, "Why  
do you care Buffy?" And then he smiled at her, that small resigned  
smile he had given her so many times in the past when she had  
hurt him.  
  
"Because... I care. I don't know...." Her voice cracked slightly.  
  
The moment was gone as quickly as it came, "They say I shouldn't  
be here, shouldn't get help." Spike put his hands over his ears   
and squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
"Who are they, Spike?" Dana asked looking up from her work on  
his chest, she nodded to Buffy, "Could you bring me some of that  
gauze to wrap his chest please?"  
  
Buffy stood and walked to a large storage shelf, she quickly found  
the gauze and brought it to Dana. "Here, can we take your shirt off?"  
She asked Spike as she began to pull the ratty shirt off of his  
shoulders. "I'm going to wrap this around you." She told him  
each move she was making as she did it. Soon his chest was wrapped  
in a swath of clean bandage.   
  
"Would you like to get cleaned up some more and then we can get  
you in a room?" Dana continued to talk to him in a soothing voice as  
she turned to Buffy again, "How about we fill that basin with warm  
water and we'll see if we can clean him up?"  
  
Buffy once again obliged the Doctor and watched as she soaked a  
small towel in the water and washed Spike's face and arms. "Now,  
who is telling you that you don't belong here?"  
  
"Them.......all of them. They are in my head...telling me.. blaming me,  
don't they know that I know it was all my fault. William is a bad  
man." Spike told her as she put her hand on his elbow and helped  
him from the chair. Dana looked at Buffy who had been very quiet  
through the whole wash up, " Do you know when the voices  
started? And who is William?"  
  
  
Buffy walked beside Spike gently holding on to one arm as Dana held the other guiding him to a   
sparsely furnished room with no window. "William is Spike...well...it's a long  
story. The voices I think they are voices of his past....of his  
past victims."  
  
"I've seen him several times in the park, I jog there frequently."  
Dana pulled back the blankets on the hospital bed, "He never   
appeared dangerous just very sad and basically out of it. And then  
I saw him with you several times. I know you want to help him, but  
I'm going to ask you the same thing you asked me. You know he's not  
human, you've admitted he had 'victims' in his past. Why do you  
want to help him?"  
  
"First off, jogging at night in Sunnydale, not a good idea." Buffy  
shook her head at the doctor, then in a softer voice, "Spike hasn't had victims for a long  
time now, he has a chip in his head, he can't hurt humans."  
  
"Chip?" Dana looked incredulous.  
  
"Yes, another long story."   
  
"Let's see if we can get him in bed. Spike do you want to rest now?" Dana  
led him towards the turned down bed.  
  
  
"Rest, yes. Can we rest?" Spike looked directly at Buffy as he  
said the words.  
  
Buffy rubbed watery eyes when she heard those words coming from  
him again. "Yes, Spike you can rest."   
  
"Would you be more comfortable out of those pants?"   
  
"Dr. Lavery, I should warn you he usually goes commando." Buffy gave a small  
smile.  
  
"Commando?" Dana raised her eyebrows at Buffy then her eyes got  
wide as Spike pulled down his jeans revealing that he still opted  
for the natural look. "Oh, well," Dana quickly reached for a   
gown, "Here, you can help him with this."   
  
Buffy took the offered gown and helped Spike put it on, she winced  
when she noticed his legs weren't in much better shape then his  
chest. "Spike, what have you done?" She whispered as he crawled  
into the bed looking as if he were a child being tucked in. She cautiously  
ran her hand through his hair, "Goodnight."   
  
Dana moved towards the bed, "Spike, this is a call button if you  
need me just push it. You get some sleep and tomorrow we'll start  
working on getting you well."  
  
"Yes, mam. I'll be very still and very quiet." He pulled the blanket  
up around his chin.   
  
Buffy followed the doctor as she turned out the light and left   
the room. Dana turned to her, "Buffy, it occurs to me that if you  
knew about Spike's 'commando' preference then you probably know  
alot more about him that could be helpful. Would you mind coming  
back tomorrow and filling me in on what might have caused his  
psychosis?"  
  
"Yes, I could do that. I really want to help, but well...it's complicated.  
But I'll come back tomorrow. Will he be okay here?" Buffy asked  
concern heavy in her voice.  
  
"Yes, I have a room here and I'll check on him. He'll be fine." Dana  
led her to the back exit and said goodnight. She peeked in Spike's  
room and he appeared to have fallen asleep already. This was going  
to be a challenge but one she felt sure she was up too.  
  
**  
Spike closed his eyes very tightly and held himself perfectly still.  
He was afraid, this wasn't his place, he didn't have the papers to  
be here, he was going to be in trouble. They would find him here,  
they could find him anywhere, taunt him tell him how bad he was, remind  
him of what he was. Shut up his mind screamed!! He knew he didn't deserve her, but it was her  
name on his lips as he cried himself to sleep amongst the clean  
sheets, "Buffy..Buffy."   
  
Dana Lavery almost cried herself as she heard the pain in the vampires  
voice. We'll get you through this was her last thought as she returnded  
to her room.  
  
TBC 


	3. paret three

Buffy waited for a long time outside the clinic before she started home. She still wasn't sure about leaving Spike there all alone.  
Of course when he would run off he was alone and at least she knew he was safe and warm tonight. She thought Dr. Lavery seemed nice  
enough but could she trust her? She nibbled on her bottom lip as walked home, OH!! Wesley, Wesley in LA? It had to be the same Wesley,  
how many guys named Wesley would be willing to help with a demon problem!  
  
  
Buffy quietly slipped into the dark house, she crept up the stairs peeking in Dawn's room just to make sure she was sleeping. After slipping into  
her pajamas she picked up the phone and dialed information, "Wesley Wyndam-Price please?" She quickly wrote down the number and  
hung up with a thank you. She knew she could have probably called Angel Investigations for the number, but she didn't want to get everyone  
involved, actually she was avoiding talking to Angel - it was still so complicated between them. She shook her head of the vampire in her past thoughts and tried to concentrate about one the vampire in her present the one that needed her help.  
  
She dialed the numbers quickly, the phone rang once, twice, three times before a sleepy voice answered, "Hello?" Wesley stared at the   
clock next to his bed, it read Three 0'clock. Great the first night he had actually gotten into bed at a decent hour and he was interrupted.  
  
"Hello, Wesley?" Buffy asked softly.  
  
"Yes, Buffy is that you?" Wesley sat up in the bed and reached for his glasses.  
  
"Yes, I need your help....I'm sorry it's so late." She replied sincerely.  
  
  
"That's okay, how can I help you?"   
  
"I met a Dr. Lavery tonight, she seems to know about umm....monsters and such? Is she okay, can she be trusted?" Buffy asked nervously.  
  
"Dana Lavery?" Weslely replied.  
  
"Yes, that's her."   
  
Wesley smiled at the memory of the doctor, "Yes, you can trust Dana. I helped her with a problem at her clinic. She's very nice, been thorugh  
a lot but handled it alll very well."  
  
"Yeah she told me about some creatures attacking her patients." Buffy played with the phone cord, "She's going to try to help Spike."  
  
"William the Bloody ? Why does he need help?" Wesley asked surprise in his voice.  
  
Buffy gave him a clifts note version of Spike's problem leaving out personal details, "So you think she can help?"  
  
"If anyone can I'm sure it's Dana, She truly wants to help, it's sad her boyfriend was also attacked during the clinic troubles, he survived but  
just couldn't deal with the whole situation and left town, I think that really hurt her, but she seems to have delved even deeper into helping others  
now." Wesley explained before taking a deep breath and continuing, "Buffy, I must warn you though,,,,,I know we don't all keep in touch the  
way we should... but just because Spike has a soul doesn't mean that things can be fixed for him..."  
  
"Wesley is everything okay there?" Buffy asked as worry rose in her chest.  
  
"Well I hope it will be, it's nothing for you to worry about. Let me know if I can be of further asssistance."  
  
"Okay, if you need me...let me know. Thanks, Wesley." She hung up the phone and pulled the covers up. She was too tired to think about what might be going on in LA and Wesley had said it would be okay she had to think about the problems right here first. Tomorrow morning she would call and check on Spike and then she would try to leave early and go to the clinic, the sooner she could explain some things to Dr; Lavery about Spike's condition.  
  
*****  
Dana yawned as she got dressed for work, she had not slept well after having gotten into bed so late. She had checked on her newest patient several times through the night, he had been sleeping albeit fitfully but still sleeping. She decided she would check on her other patients first  
and then devote some extra time to Spike this morning. The intercom buzzed loudly overhead, "101 you have a call on line one, !01 line one."  
She picked up the phone and hit line one, "Hello this is Dr. Lavery."  
  
  
"Dr, Lavery this is Buffy Summers, I'm calling to check on Spike." Buffy put the phone on her shoulder as she poured juice for she and Dawn.  
  
"He slept through the night not well but he did at least sleep. I'm going to peek at him then see my other patients and get back to him. Can you  
come in today? "   
  
"Yes, I'm going to try to get out of work early today, I'll be there as soon as I can." Buffy said goodbye and hung up the phone.  
  
Dana made her rounds of her inpatients and checked her out patient schedule, thankfully it was a light day and all afternoon appointments. She  
was anxious to get started on her newest case, Mr. William Spikely. She had given him a name for the paperwork and to keep curious nurses  
from asking too many questions.   
  
She took a breakfast tray from the cart and walked towards Spike's room. This won't work she thought as she looked at the plate of eggs and  
toast and coffee, I'll have to find a way to bring him something more suited to his tastes. I'll talk to Buffy about that she thought as she went  
to open his door.  
  
Spike sat up in the bed and looked around the room, it was painted in light cheery colors although there were no windows. The bed  
linens were clean and soft and smelled good. This couldn't be right - he didn't belong here! He looked down at his chest and saw that  
even his clothes were gone, he was wearing a pale yellow gown of some sort. This was a trick, another trick , they were playing on him,  
taking him out of the darkness and grime where he belonged. He closed his eyes tightly when he opened them he was sure he would  
be back down in the basement his invisible tormenters laughing at him.   
  
  
Dana opened the door cautiously, she found Spike sitting up in the bed the blankets pulled tightly against his chest his eyes closed.  
"Good morning." She called softly to him as she sat the breakfast tray on a table.  
  
Spike opened his eyes slowly peeking out of one eye before fully opening both bright blue orbs. He looked at Dana trying to remember,  
he had seen her before.....was she real? She was with Buffy. Buffy was real......well most of the time, where was Buffy? "Buffy?" He asked in a fearful voice.  
  
"Buffy's not here right now, but she will be later." Dana edged closer to the bed, "Do you remember me? I'm Doctor Lavery, I'm going to help  
you."  
  
"Help me?" Spike pulled himself into a tighter ball under the blankets, "Nope....no help for me."  
  
"Don't you want to be better? For yourself ..........." Dana paused for a moment, "For Buffy?"  
  
"Buffy..." Spike's eyes cleared momentairily, in a clear voice, "Is she here? I would do anything for her......"   
  
Dana latched on to this moment of clarity, "Buffy's special to you, isn't she. She wants you better, you just need to try to ignore those voices and  
concentrate on getting better. Then maybe you two can work things out." She patted his arm.  
  
Suddenly his whole demeanor changed, "Things can't work out for us.......she doesn't deserve a man who has hurt her, who tried to....." His  
sentence faded as he began to violently riip his gown scatching and pulling at the bandages on his chest, loosening the bandages and openiing the wounds on his chest again. He then began to punch himself in the face over and over again,.  
  
"Spike, calm down." Dana tried to restrain him but knew it was useless she pressed the call button, and ordred a sedative. It only took a   
few minutes for the nurse to arrive with syringe in hand. "Thanks, I'll try to hold him while you inject him." She instructed the nurse.  
  
She grab fast to his arms and pulled him off balance, his hip in the air, the nurse took advantage of the situation and quickly cleaned the hip  
and injected the sedative.   
  
***  
Buffy ran down the hall of the clinic towards Spike's room, she had heard the commotion as soon as she entered the back exit of the clinic.  
When she entered the room, the Doctor was holding Spike's arm and a nurse stood over him with a syringe, "What are you giving him?"  
She demanded.  
  
Dana turned to the nurse, "You can go, Sherry."   
  
The nurse nodded hesitantly, the little blonde looked like she could bite through nails right now, but at least the patient seemed to be calming.  
  
"It's okay." Dana nodded as the nurse dropped the syringe in a sharps container and left the room.   
  
Dana turned her attention to Buffy, "It's a sedative Buffy, he was trying to hurt himself."  
  
Buffy walked towards the bed where Spike lay in a twisted heap, he was very drowsy and didn't even realize it was Buffy helping him  
get on to his back and under the covers again, "You didnt even know that would work on him, it could have hurt him." Buffy stood by the  
bed holding Spike's limp hand until his eyes drooped completely closed.  
  
"Buffy, I took a chance that's true, but he was going to hurt himself, you can see for yourself that he was ripping at his chest again." Dana nodded towards the torn gown and bandages, "I think that there was a good chance that if the sedative didn't work on him that it probably wouldn't have hurt him either."  
  
Buffy ran a piece of torn bandage through her fingers, "I'm sorry. I know you want to help. It's just....I'm afraid he can't be helped that he will  
never be my......uh....I mean the old Spike again." She ran her hand down his cheek, he looked so peaceful, so calm in his sleep a rueful  
smile crossed her lips as she remember a song she'd heard him sing once......."I want to be sedated". But not like this Spike, not like this!  
She turned tearfilled eyes towards the Doctor, "I think it's time we talked."  
  
Dana nodded her head at her, "I think you're right." She did a quick examination of Spike and when she was sure he was okay she led Buffy to her office. Motioning for Buffy to sit down she asked if she wanted coffee.  
  
"No thanks," Buffy replied, "I'm just not sure where to start."  
  
Dana smiled comfortingly, "I've found it's always better to start......at the beginning. So how did you and Spike meet?"  
  
  
TBC 


	4. part four

Buffy shifted uncomfortably in her chair, "How did Spike and I meet? It was about six years ago I guess, he came to Sunnydale with his girlfriend Dru,  
we met outside of the Bronze." She played with a piece of torn vinyl on the arm of the chair, "He came to town to kill me."  
  
Dana's eyes grew wide, "He wanted to kill you? I mean I know he's a vampire but aren't there victims usually random?"  
  
"Dr. Lavery, I guess you should know that I am a vampire slayer." Buffy rolled her eyes, "I know how that sounds...but it's true, I'm the one girl in the world...."  
  
The doctor listen attentively as Buffy finished her spiel, "I don' t think you're crazy Buffy. Remember I"m the one who wants to treat your vampire 'friend"? I am  
confused though if it's your job to slay vampires and Spike was on a mission to kill you then how ???" She shrugged her shoulders.  
  
"I told you it was a long story. I was involved with another vampire a souled vampire named Angel." Buffy's lip trembled slightly, "I slept with him on my seventeeth  
birthday and he ...well he had been cursed with a soul.....and when he found true happiness he lost that soul. He became evil all over again, tried to kill me, my friends  
and eventually tried to end the world."   
  
Dana reached for a kleenex and handed it to Buffy, giving her arm a supportive squeeze, "That must have been terrible for you, so young . Most  
people just suffer from unrequited crushes at that age. I'm so sorry, Buffy."  
  
"It was bad....one of the worst times of my life. But Spike, who was part of Angel's vampire family, had a grudge with Angel over Dru and the fact that Spike has  
always been a strange vampire....he didn't want the world to end, he kind of liked things the way they were, so he came to me with a deal to defeat Angel, he  
would take Dru and the world would be saved. I was desperate so I took him up on his offer." Buffy twisted the kleenex in her hand.  
  
"So thats when you became tenative friends?" Dana asked as she jotted down some notes.  
  
"Not exactly, we saved the world and he left town with Dru, supposedly he was never to come back."   
  
"What happened to Angel?"   
  
"Well I put a sword through his chest and sent him to a hell dimension."  
  
Dana sighed, "Buffy, that's ....you're so young and been through so much." Dana's heart filled with compassion for the young woman   
in front of her.  
  
"He...he came back and we...well we knew it wasn't going to work so he moved to LA. I thought you might recognize the name, I checked the Wesley you mentioned  
that helped you - he worked for Angel Investigations right?" Buffy sounded a bit worried.  
  
"No, Wesley worked for himself, I never met anyone named Angel."   
  
Buffy nodded to herself, "That explains Wesley's attitude last night."  
  
"You spoke to Wesley?" Dana raised her eyebrows at Buffy.  
  
"Yes, I...well I had to check out your story. I"m sorry...he said nothing but good things about you." Buffy replied slighy apolgetic.  
  
"It's okay, Buffy. I would have checked you out if I was going to entrust someone I loved to you too." Dana gave her grin.  
  
Buffy's eyes grew wide and she began to chew on her lip, "I...I didn't say I loved him." Her voice sounded desperate even to her own ears.  
  
A light went off in Dana's head, whoa! The girl in front of her had almost as many emotional problems  
as the vampire down the hall. She thought carefully before selecting her next words, "I'm sorry, Buffy,  
I just assumed that since you knew ummm...intimate details about Spike and I just assumed that  
you and he.....?"  
  
"We, well we were in relationship, but it wasn't love...not on my part. I'm not good with  
love, Dr. Lavery." The kleenex in Buffy's hand was now in complete shreds, "I love my family  
and friends of course, but men.. well I've had rotten luck with men I love."  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that Buffy, but it doesn't mean you can never find love." Dana patted  
Buffy's hand as she handed her some more tissue. "You said it wasn't love on your part,  
is it love on Spike's end?"  
  
"Yes, it was. I didn't believe it at first when he told me he loved me, thought it was a trick,  
but...well when Dru dumped him and he came back to town - he crossed paths with the Iniative and ended up  
with a chip in his head that kept him from hurting humans, so he would help with the fighting."  
Buffy explained.  
  
"Chip?" Dana asked as she scribbled furiously in her notebook, "I need to look into that, maybe  
it's malfunctioning and adding to Spike's psychosis."  
  
Taking a deep breath Buffy began the later part of the story withholding several details, as she talked a pile of damp,  
mangled kleenex grew in front of her. "So that's how we got here." Buffy sighed, "Can I have  
that coffee now?'  
  
Dana went to the coffee pot and poured Buffy some coffee she brought sugar and creamer back  
with her to the desk, "So you left for a while? How long were you gone?"  
  
A short bitter laugh erupted from Buffy, "One hundred and forty seven days, he...actually  
counted." She opened several packs of sugar and dumped them into the coffee cup.  
  
"So when you came back, you started an intimate relationship?"   
  
"Yes, it was a secret and I knew it was wrong. Wrong for me and wrong for him...and I finally  
went to him and told him we had to break it off, it was killing me." Tears slid down Buffy's face  
now and she used a knotted tissue to wipe her face.  
  
"Did this "breakup" trigger the psychosis?" Dana asked as she handed the tissue box to Buffy.  
  
"No, he seemed to almost understand, I saw him after at a friends wedding and he was...well  
sweet about it, offered to leave for my sake even. Later, we had a terrible argument.....at  
my house, he wanted to force....force me to....." Buffy shook her head images of that night  
filling her mind as she decided on the right wording, "Force me to admit I cared........I couldn't.  
He left and came back a few months later, he seemed to have a moments of lucidity but for the most part he's out of it.  
You should probably know, he left for me....he went and earned his soul back." Buffy blew her  
nose as fresh tears assailed her cheeks.  
  
"He has a soul? Like Angel?" Dana asked concern in her voice, "Is he cursed the same way?"  
  
"No, Angels resouling was a curse, Spike earned his." Buffy dried her eyes again and added in  
a small voice, "For me."  
  
"Thank you for talking to me Buffy, it sheds some light on Spike's problems." Dana  
said out loud, then mentally added to herself, "And your's too." She hoped to help both Spike and  
Buffy. "I think we've talked enough for now, one more thing though....could you bring some  
blood for Spike?"  
  
Buffy composed herself and stood, "Yes, I can do that." She turned to leave, "I do want him  
to get better."  
  
"I can tell you do." Dana also stood and walked Buffy to the door of the office.   
  
"I'll be back in a couple of hours, I need to check on my sister." Buffy walked out of the office  
feeling more confused then ever, she had just told a stranger her life story, albeit a condensed  
altered version but still,,, Wesley said she could trust Dr. Lavery. She didn't always have  
good luck with those she trusted, she hoped this time it would be okay.  
  
***  
  
  
Nurse Sherry came running to the office door, "Dr. Lavery! Mr. Spikely is awake and very agitated."   
  
Dana walked quickly to Spike's room. She opened the door to find Spike standing beside the bed, cursing as he held the gown closed behind his back,   
searching for hs clothes. His eyes grew wide when he saw her, "Who are you? And why the bloody  
hell am I here?"  
  
"I'm Doctor Dana Lavery, I'm going to help you." She walked towards the confused vampire.  
  
"Help me? You don't know me or what I am? I can't be helped." Spike spit out the words bitterly  
as he eyed his dirty pants lying across the back of a chair.  
  
"Spike, may I call you Spike?" Dana asked in a calming voice.  
  
"That's my name innit? And how do you know that, don't think I'm carrying any id." Spike roughly pulled  
his pants on.  
  
"I've been watching you in the park when I jog, I could tell you were in trouble. Do you   
remember coming her with me last night?"   
  
"Things are fuzzy, nothing stays clear for long....vaguely remember the park....she didn't   
come last night." He sat down on the edge of the bed scanning the floor for his boots.  
  
"She..Buffy?" Dana asked as she cautiously sat down on the bed beside him.  
  
His eyes instantly lit up, "You know Buffy?"  
  
"Yes, she came barging in here last night, following you, demanding to know what I was going  
to do with you!" Dana smiled at him, "She can be quite forceful can't she?"  
  
A small smile graced Spike's tired face, "Yes, that's my girl." He quickly changed his wording,  
"I mean that's Buffy for you."  
  
"She really cares for you, she's gone to get you some blood." Dana put her hand on his arm,  
"I think you should stick around and wait for her."  
  
"She tell you that, that she cares?" Spike's jawline tensed, "She admitted that to you?"  
  
"Yes, she did. She wants you to get better." Dana lay her hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Don't you get it? She can't ,she shouldn't care for me! I'm a monster, no good for her,  
did she tell you what I did?" Spike's voice was bitter laced with pain.  
  
"She told me quite a bit about your past and hers. Why don't you tell me your version? How did you and Buffy meet?"  
  
  
"About six years ago, me and Dru come to town, I'm wanting to help Dru get better. I met Buffy because I wanted to kill her."  
Spike glared at the doctor, "Still want to help me? I'm a bad, bad man." He slumped against the headboard, "So tired...and  
can't seem to keep the fuzziness away, don't know whats real anymore." He closed his eyes tightly then opened them again  
staring at the corner of the room, "And you...you lot...never give me any peace, no rest for William."   
  
Dana placed her hand on his arm, "I want to help you William. I want to help you rest."  
He seemed to calm down slightly, "Let's get you back in the bed, so you'll be comfy when Buffy gets here."  
  
He gave her a teary smile, "Buffy, yes, she wants to help me too." He laughed as the tears coursed down over his sharp  
cheekbones, mumbling "You always hurt the one you love."  
  
****  
  
Buffy stopped by Willy's on the way home and picked up a couple pints for Spike. She sat the brown bag on the counter  
and sighed as began to pull the makings of a quick supper from the cabinets. She would feed Dawn and then take Spike his  
supper. As she put the dishes away from the drainboard, she picked up the spatula, she was suddenly in another  
time, Spike leaning close to her, hand on her arm, "Ah ah, this flapjack isn't ready to be flipped." She could hear his  
taunting words - still feel his hand digging in her pocket for his lighter. He had made her so angry, he could be so smug  
sometimes. Buffy sighed out loud in the quiet kitchen, Dana's comment burning in her ears about entrusting someone she  
loved to another person. She didn't love him, she couldn't.......tears rolled down her face as she whispered the question out  
loud, " If I don't love him, then why would I give anything to have my smart ass, smug Spike back right now?"  
  
  
TBC 


	5. part five

The island in the kitchen was set for dinner when Dawn arrived home. She picked a cherry tomato from the bowl and popped it into her mouth. "So why's dinner so early?" She called out looking for Buffy. She noticed the brown bag on the counter and opened it, "Eww....hope this isn't part of our dinner."  
  
Buffy came into the kitchen from the basement and quicky took the bag of blood from Dawn, "I've got to go out early, so dinner's early. Is that okay?"  
  
"Sure, I love spaghetti." Dawn washed her hands and sat down at the bar, "The bag of blood and the going out early? You're going to see Spike, aren't you?"  
  
"Well....yes I am." Buffy busied herself cutting the garlic bread.  
  
"Can I go?"  
  
"I don't think so, not now. He's .....he's not well. But I think he's somewhere that they can help him now."   
Buffy began to dish salad into her bowl.  
  
"Where?" Dawn was confused.  
  
"In a clinic for mental health patients." Buffy explained as she sipped her water.  
  
"A clinic? You've had Spike commited? Are 'you' crazy?" Dawn stared at her sister in disbelief, "Poor Spike, he could end up dust, those people won't know how to take care of him."  
  
"It's okay, Dawn - this doctor, Doctor Lavery. She knows about Spike's special problems, she knows Wesley. I called him and checked her out."   
  
"Are you sure you can trust her? I mean Wesley isn't always such a good judge of people, remember how he screwed up when he was your Watcher?"  
  
Buffy smiled at Dawn over a forkful of spaghetti, "Wesley's changed a lot since then......." She sighed, "We all have."  
  
"Can I go see him soon?" Dawn asked as she reached for more bread.  
  
"I hope so. Doctor Lavery thinks she can help him back to his old annoying self." Buffy told her as she finished her dinner and stood to go, "Please do the dishes and your homework. I'll be home as soon as I can."  
  
"At least tell Spike I said hi." Dawn called after her as she closed the door.  
  
****  
  
Spike fell to sleep as Dana sat beside his bed scribbling more notes in her tablet. He had seemed to remain lucid for about an hour after the sedative wore off. She wondered if the medicine had anything to do with the lucidity, she'd watch him and possibly try some different dosages. Maybe if they could regulate his moods, it could give him time enough away from the voices and ghosts of his past to work his guilt out, to work his way back to the real world. Buffy seemed to be a key player in Spike's world, she seemed to antagonize him yet calm him at the same time, this case was definitely a challenge.  
  
The nurse led Buffy to Spike's room, she opened the door slowly, finding Dana sitting beside  
a sleeping Spike scribbling notes in her tablet. "Is he okay?" Buffy asked as she stood  
beside the bed, he was tossing and mumbling in his sleep.  
  
"Yes, he doesn't seem to sleep well at all, very restless. I suppose his sleep is filled  
with the same horrors as his awake delusions are." Dana stood up and closed her tablet.  
  
"I've brought him some blood." Buffy held out the brown bag, "He likes it warm, do you  
have a microwave?"  
  
"Yes, across the hall in the lounge. Why don't you go heat it and I'll let him know you're  
here." Dana nudged Spike's shoulder to wake him as Buffy left the room.  
  
He opened his eyes slowly as if he were afraid of what he might see. "Buffy's here." Dana   
said softly.  
  
He immediatley scanned the room looking for her, "Where is she? Usually I see things that arent' there but now....I don't see her." He appeared distressed as he continued to look around the room.  
  
"She's brought something for you to eat. She'll be right back." Dana spoke comfortingly.  
  
"Hey, I brought you some goodies." Buffy smiled as she took the mug to Spike, "It's ninety eight point six just like you like it."  
  
Spike sniffed the mug cautiosly then began to take small sips. When he had finished it he  
turned to Buffy, "Thank you."  
  
"Your welcome, how are you feeling?"  
  
He was staring at her now, "Did you know that you are quite the picture of loveliness?" He asked he with a shy smile.  
  
Buffy almost blushed at he softly worded compliment, "Now it's my turn to thank you." She lay her hand on his arm.  
  
Spike's countenance completely changed at the soft touch of Buffy's hand on his arm, "But  
YOU shouldn't TOUCH me! I am a bad, bad man."  
  
"No, Spike it's okay."   
  
Buffy tried to take his hand but he jerked back from her pulling his knees up to his chest and repeating "I'm bad, I'm bad."   
  
"Buffy, I think you need to leave now." Dana put her hand on Buffy's elbow and guided her to the door of the room. Once outside she kept a watchful eye on Spike through the window in  
his door. "You can come back tomorrow."  
  
"I don't want to leave him, like this. I want to make him understand...." Buffy peeked in  
the little window at the vampire on the bed repeating his sad mantra.  
  
"He'll be okay. I'm looking into some medication for him, something to help ground him keep him in the real world long enough to get his guilt feelings in line so he can start to get better." Dana explained as she watched the tears welling in Buffy's eyes.  
  
"Will the medication be safe for him? Because I have an idea, when you asked me what triggered the psychosis? I thought it was just the guilt after his soul was restored but..I've been thinking that maybe it was also something in that basement, like something down there was doing this to him?" Buffy looked away from the window long enough to tell  
Dana her theory.  
  
"In Sunnydale I guess anything's possible, I mean I am treating a vampire afterall. So I think I'll give him a few days to see if he gets better without medicaion, that would  
help prove or disprove the basement theory. I will have to sedate him again if he tries to  
hurt himself though."  
  
"I understand if he is hurting himself then you have to do something. I guess I should go.  
I'll be back tomorrow night." She looked into the room once more, Spike was sitting quietly on the bed now, his head down, "Goodnight, Spike." She whispered softly before turning back to Dana, "Oh if you could please tell him that Dawn says hi and wants to visit soon."  
  
"I'll tell him." Dana nodded at Buffy as she went to go back into the room, "Spike?"  
She called softly to him, no answer. She stepped closer to the bed and looked directly in  
his sad eyes, "I have a message for you - Dawn says hello and she wants to visit soon."  
  
His eyes lit up and he gave her a small smile, "Niblet? She wants to see me?"  
  
"Yes, she does." The doctor smiled back at him.  
  
"Is it okay with Buffy?" Spike chewed nervously on his bottom lip.  
  
Dana nodded her head at the vampire,"She told me to give you the message. She really wants you to get better, Spike."  
  
"I....I...hurt her badly and don't deserve her forgiveness though. Of all the people I've  
hurt....she means the most." Spike sighed softly as his moment of sanity passed as quickly as it came.  
  
Dana left him talking animatedly to the chair about the lovely young blond woman who had visited with him tonight. It wasn't much of a start...but it was at least something and if  
Buffy was right about getting him away from that basement...maybe just maybe she had a good chance of helping him.  
  
TBC 


	6. part six

Buffy did a quick patrol before she went home, her thoughts filled with Spike. She stopped at Willy's once again to pick up food for Spike. The house was dark when she got home, flipping the kitchen light on she found a large note on the refrigerator. 

Buffy - how is Spike? Dishes are done and leftover spaghetti in frig if you are hungry after patrol. ~ Dawn 

Buffy smiled to herself as she noticed that the dishes were indeed done and the trash had even been taken out. She drank a glass of water and went to bed. Thankfully Fridays were usually slow at work, she would have time to call and check on Spike during the day and then she would take his dinner to him after work. This weekend she would try to visit him as much as possible, maybe even take Dawn if he was feeling any better. 

*** 

Spike sat quietly in his room , he was hunched up against the headboard of the bed eyeing the door. He was afraid to close his eyes, not sure who would be in the room when he opened them again. He was actually feeling a tiny bit better "they" weren't coming as frequently now, the voices in his head stilled for longer amounts of time. Of course even with out the voices his lucid thoughts were still full of the pain he had inflicted on others through the years.....especially her. 

A redhaired nurse stuck her head in the room startling him, he had jumped hitting his head hard on the metal headboard. "I'm sorry Mr. Spikely. I didn't mean to scare you." Her voice was soft as she approached the bed, "Can I get you something to help you sleep? It's very late." 

"No...you can't scare me, I'm evil...the big bad." He laughed bitterly. 

"I'm sure that's not true. You just need some rest that will help you feel like your old self." She fluffed his pillow and helped him lay back down in the bed. 

"I don't want anything to make me sleep - don't want to be my OLD SELF- have to be BETTER!" He was shouting now, wringing the bed sheets in his hands. 

The nurse jumped back at his sudden agitation, "It's okay, it's okay. She hit the call button and the intercom came on."Please send some help to Mr. Spikely's room." 

Spike continued to wring the sheets and shout, "She needs a new man, a different man, the man I want to be....." His voice tapered into a gentleness, "The man I could be..." He looked at the frightned nurse, "I can be good can't I?" He asked tears welling in his eyes. 

A very large man entered the room, "You okay, Sally?" He came to stand by the bed. 

"Yes, he didnt' try to hurt me, but he's not sleeping and very agitated. I need to call Dr. Lavery. I'll be right back. Just keep an eye on him." She left the room and went to the nurses station to call the doctor. 

The shrill ring of her phone woke Dana up, she opened one eye to stare at the clock beside her bed. Red numbers flashed at her 4:15. "Hello" She answered the phone groggily. 

"Dr. Lavery this is Sally." 

"Yes, Sally whats wrong?" Dana asked sitting up in the bed. 

"Mr. Spikely hasn't slept for several hours, when I went to check on him he got agitated. I'm afraid he may hurt himself again. May I give him a sedative?" The nurse asked. 

"Did he try to hurt you in anyway?" Dana asked as she turned on the light. 

"No, mam. I think he really needs to get some sleep though." 

"I think you may be right, Sally, go ahead and give him some of the sedative in his med box, hopefully it will help. The dosage intructions are with the syringes. I'll be in the clinic in a few hours. If you need me before that, just call." Dana hung up the phone, she knew she had told Buffy she would wait on the medication but she really thought that medicating him was in his best interest right now. 

Spike closed his eyes willing himself to clear his mind, to get rid of the fuzzy feeling. The large man beside his bed continued to stare at him as if he had four eyes. He was relieved to see the nurse come back into the room. She nodded at the large man and pulled a syringe from her pocket along with an alcohol pad. She rolled him over gently and cleaned a spot on his hip and expertly gave the injection, "You'll feel better in no time now." She smiled at him as she disposed of the needle in nearby sharps container. She stood by the bed for a moment watching as his eyes began to droop closed and he mouthed a word she couldn't understand. 

Spike tried to fight the effects of the sedative but gave in as a warm feeling came over him, the last thing he saw before driting off was the red haired nurse who had transformed into a petite blond stroking his arm and telling him to rest, "Buffy?" He tried to say the word out loud before sleep took him. 

_ *** _

The Dreams 

"William, would you like some milk with that?" His mother's voice was as warm to his ears as the fire heating the kitchen. The aroma of freshly baked scones assaulted his nose as she placed one on his plate. 

"Yes, please." The child answered, his face lit up with a large smile. 

His mother ran a hand through the mop of soft brown curls, "Such a good boy William, such a good boy." She told him as she poured his milk. 

Spike watched the scene as an outsider, the sight of his mother making his eyes tear up, the smells of the kitchen bringing back a horde of wonderful memories. 

*** 

The young William, sat next to Cecily at a party. 

"I'm a a bad poet, but I'm a good man." William told her earnestly. 

Lot's of good being a good man did you then, William. Spike spoke out loud to the humiliated young man sitting in a parlor over a hundred years ago. 

**** 

Spike, recognized himself as he sat quite bloodied in his crypt. Giles and Xander had left him there after the Glory incident. 

Soft lips brushed his bruised ones and his eyes widened at the realization that this was the living breathing Buffy...not the bot. 

She had turned to face him, "What you did for Dawn and me.....that was real. I won't forget it." 

Spike watched himself watch Buffy leave the crypt. He had done some things right in his lifetime. He had never regretted letting Glory torture him, if he had to do it again he would gladly. That had to mean something didn't it? 

"Such a good boy William" His mother's words stuck in his head, once, yes once upon a time he was a good boy....so long ago. Was some of that goodness still in him? He so wanted to believe that it was. 

"Hey Dawnie, thanks for taking out the trash last night." Buffy told her sister between swallows of orange juice. 

"Your welcome, so how did the Spike visit go? Is he any better at all?" Dawn asked as she poured her own juice. 

"Well he has moments where he's Spike but he slips away into his own little world a good part of the time. I'm hoping getting him away from the basement will help that. The doctor mentioned using some meds on him, but I'm not sure about that." Buffy rinsed her glass out and set it on the drainboard. 

"So did you give him my message?" 

"Actually, the doctor had me leave, Spike was getting kind of aggravated with me there." Buffy's words were light but couldn't hide her despair. 

"Buffy, this isn't your fault." Dawn hugged her sister tightly. 

"That's easy for you to say." Buffy pulled away from Dawn and ran her hand over Dawn's hair, "It's okay, I mean I know that it's not all my fault, but ...it's hard seeing him like this. I did tell Dr. Lavery to deliver your message though and I'm going to call from work and check on him this morning." 

"Good, because I mean it. I want to see him." Dawn grabbed her books as Xander sounded the horn outside, Buffy followed her out of the house. 

**** 

"Sally, how is Mr. Spikely this morning?" Dana asked as she met the nurse getting off of her shift. 

"He's still sleeping, I guess the sedative is still working. It's a shame about him, he seems so sad. Such a nice looking man too." 

" It is sad, I really hope we can help him. I'll check on him shortly. Thanks." Dana waved at the redhead as she left. 

Dana checked on her other inpatients first then peeked in Spike's room he was still sleeping soundly. She smiled at the sleeping vampire, it was the first time she'd seem him actually look peaceful. It occured to her that,Sally was right, he was a good looking man. 

**** 

Spike woke up and stared at the hospital room warily before he realized that he was alone. Completely alone in the room, no voices clamoring in his head.There had been no nightmares last night, dreams of his past but no victims out for vengeance in his head. 

He fought to remember where he was, he should remember...yes, last night a doctor. A woman doctor, she wanted to help him? She knew Buffy. His mind struggled to stay coherent. Buffy had been here? 

He had sat perfectly still for more then an hour before Nurse Sherry looked in on him through his door window, noticing he was awake, she came in the room. "We thought you might sleep all day, Mr. Spikely." She gave him a bright smile. 

"Spikely?" Spike frowned at the name. 

"Umm..yes sir. Isn't that your name?" Sherry asked hesitantly. 

"You can just call me, Spike." He answered unsure of what exactly was going on, "Could you please get that doctor in here? The woman, can't place her name." 

"Dr. Lavery? Yes, I'll get her for you." 

Sherry found Dana catching up on dictation, "Mr. Spikely is asking for you." 

"He is? How is his behavior this morning?" Dana asked as she stood and started towards Spike's room. 

"Well other then seeming a bit confused over his name, he seems quite normal this morning. By the way he wants to be called Spike." Sherry told her as she left Dana at Spike's room. 

"Spike, how are you this morning?" Dana asked cheerfully as she sat down in the bedside chair. 

"I'm...I'm better, slept better, dreams but nothing terrible. I just feel like I have to conciously fight myself to stay alert." He sighed as he played with the edge of the bedspread. 

"That's part of the key, Spike, focusing on now, not letting your past get the best of you. Yes, you did some horrible things, but you're different now. You have to work through this and find a way to make peace with your past. " Dana smiled at him, patting his shoulder. 

"I...I remember talking to you last night. You..you did say that you wanted to help me? That Buffy wanted you to help me?" His mind was getting cloudy again as he fought for control, he had to know that Buffy really had been here, that she really did care. 

"Yes, Buffy was here and she does want me to help you. She wants to help you." 

"And Niblet, she wants to see me?" Spike asked as he concentrated on keeping the fuzziness from creeping back in. 

"Niblet? Oh, Dawn?" Dana nodded her head in affirmation. 

"Don't want her to see me like this." 

"She can come visit when she's ready okay?" Dana assured him, "Why don't we talk about the voices, see if we can come up with a way to help you with that?" 

"I don't think I can stay here. I don't think it will work." He began to fidget, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I think I better go, back to my place. I'm sure they need me, got to check their passes." 

"Spike, why don't you let me change the bandages on your chest and you can rest a bit mre before you go back?" Dana replied soothingly, "I'll get you something to drink too." 

"I should go." He shook his head at her. 

"After I change the bandages okay? And you have a late breakfast. Buffy wouldn't be happy if I let you leave like this." Dana explained to him as she pulled fresh bandages from the drawer in small chest next to his bed. 

"Buffy wouldn't like it?" Spike seemed to mull that over in his head, "Don't want her angry. Not good when she's angry." 

"Good, lets see if we can get you fixed up with breakfast, I'll be right back." Dana left to retrieve what was left of the blood Buffy had brought last night, she had microwaved it and brought it in the same mug. 

"Nice and warm." Spike told her as he emptied the mug, his eyes were tired, he was trying so hard to focus and losing the battle had exhausted him. 

When he had completely finished his breakfast, she carefully pulled off the old bandage. The cuts had mostly healed already. Vampire pysiology was very interesting. She carefully bandaged his chest again, speaking in a calm voice the whole time, by the time she finished he was sleeping again. She went back to her office to wash out his mug. 

Buffy dialed the number of the clinic by memory, why had she memorized it so quickly? She was sure she didn't want to answer that question, the phone rang on the other end, "Dr. Lavery, please. Yes, this is Buffy Summers." 

"Buffy, hello." Dana answered her phone. 

"How is he this morning?" Buffy asked as she furiously chewed her bottom lip. 

"Well, I think we've made some progress. Spike didn't sleep most of the night and was agitated we had to sedate him again. He was actually quite coherent for a couple of hours this morning though. He's asleep now. If you could come by at lunch, maybe you could talk to him, he's struggling to focus but it's a tiring him and when he started slipping he wanted to leave. Maybe you can talk to him and convince him to stay? Your opinion matters alot to him." 

"Sure, I can come over at lunch. It's ten o'clock now. I'll be there about noon." Buffy hung up the phone. 

*** 

"This bloody well won't work!!" Spike shouted at Nurse Sherry when she entered the room. 

"What's wrong..Mr....Spike?" She asked as she watched him back away from her. 

"If she wants me to stay here, this thing has got to go. The back doesn't close, everyone can see my bits and pieces!" Spike cursed as he tried to hold the wretched gown closed. 

Dana and Buffy quickly headed to Spike's room at the sound of shouting, Buffy smiled despite herself at Spike's newfound modesty, "You never minded displaying your bits and pieces before." She laughed softly. 

Dana watched the two blondes intently, not sure where this was going. 

"That was...well these are strangers, aren't they?" He shook his head at her, "And you're enjoying this way too much." He sat down on the edge of the bed carefully arranging the gown behind him. 

"Yes, I am enjoying this Spike, because," She turned to Dana and grinned, "Dr. Lavery this is the real Spike." 

TBC 


	7. part seven

Dana smiled at the interaction between the two people in front of her she offered her hand to Spike, "It's nice to finally meet the real you, Spike."  
  
Spike shook the offered hand, "Nice to meet you, guess I haven't really been myself,  
lately." He let go of her hand and lowered his head almost shyly.  
  
"No, I guess not but we are going to work on that." The doctor smiled at him.  
  
"Can we work on getting me some decent clothing first?"  
  
"I'll bring you some clothes tonight, something comfortable for while you're here."  
Buffy laughed softly.  
  
"How long do you think I'm going to be here? I mean I feel better right now then I have in months, the thousand voices in my noggin are quiet, guess it's safe for me to go home."  
Spike started to stand.  
  
"I really wish you would stay a little longer, let us make sure you are really okay." Dana  
replied sincerity in her soft voice.  
  
"Please." Buffy piped in, "It won't be so bad." She patted his arm.  
  
Dana noticed Spike flinch slightly at the touch, it wasn't as if he didn't like her touch, but more like he shied away from her because he didn't think she should touch him. She made a mental note to talk to him about that once Buffy left. For now it was probably best to let he and Buffy talk a bit before she went back to work. "I'm going to leave you two alone, I know Buffy has to get back to work soon. I'll be back in a little while, Spike.  
I'm glad you're feeling better."  
  
"So am I." Spike answered as he watched her leave the room, he then turned his attention back to Buffy, "I'm really not sure this is a good idea." He looked around the room and shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Why?, it's nice here, you yourself said you were feeling better." Buffy sat beside him on the bed, "Why shouldn't you stay for a little while, you can't seriously miss that basement."  
  
He sighed, "No, can't say I miss that place. But I'm not sure....not sure I should be here getting help. I've done a lot of wrong, Buffy." He rubbed his hands over his face, "You know that from experience."  
  
"That was in the past, Spike. I would really like for you to stay." Her hazel eyes stared at him pleading with him.  
  
"I don't know." He shook his head.  
  
She then used her trump card, she knew it wasn't fair, but she also knew it would work,  
"Would do you do it for me, please?"   
  
That's so unfair, Slayer, Spike thought as he grumbled, "Never could refuse you."  
  
"So you'll stay?" She asked giving him a small smile.  
  
"Yes. I'll stay. But just a few days."   
  
"The length of your stay is negotiable," Buffy smiled at him and stood, "Now I'm gonna bring you some sweats and some boxers."  
  
"Boxers? You know I don't wear ...." Spike started but was interrupted by Buffy.  
  
"Shh...we can't have Dawn traumatized by seeing you in that gown." She grinned at him.  
  
"You really gonna let her visit?" He looked surprised.  
  
"Yes, she wants to come and I think you'd like to see her too?"   
  
Spike thought it over a moment, "I want to see her, but lets give a little while, make sure  
I'm myself again. Don't want to scare the Bit."  
  
"Okay, I think thats a good idea. I'll be back later with food and clothes. Now would you rather have solid boxers or prints, maybe some little kittens on them or big smiley faces?" Buffy asked with mock seriousness.  
  
Spike rolled his eyes at her, "I'm not the whelp! Solid colors are just fine."  
  
"Okay, I'm not even going to ask how you know what kind of boxers Xander wears."  
She teased.  
  
"Did his laundry when we were roomies." Spike rolled his eyes again.  
  
Buffy shook her head at the thought of Spike doing laundry, "I'll see you later. Be nice  
to the Doctor." She waved at him through the glass window before she left.  
  
Dana watched Buffy walk by her office and went to Spike's room, notebook in hand.  
  
She knocked softly on his door, "Spike." She opened the door slightly, "May we talk now?"  
  
"Suppose so." He answered as he pulled the blanket over his legs.  
  
"Buffy has told me quite a bit about you. You've been through a very traumatic experience, and it seems you carry alot of guilt over your past. You've been seeing and hearing past victims?" Dana sat down in the bedside chair.  
  
"Yes, at first it was all the time, couldn't get away from them. Barely recognized Buffy even. Then it got to where if I fought really hard I could keep them away, today's been good though. Not been so hard to hold them at bay." Spike played with the pillow he had sat in his lap.  
  
"Well, I think that part of that comes from getting you out of the basement, Buffy thought there were things down there that were keeping you out of it, so to speak. I think the other reason you feel better is because when you got agitated last night, I had the nurse give you a sedative, it was a special one I had mixed for you with some medications for calming your nerves as it were." Dana explained as she wrote in her book.  
  
"I'm on Prozac?" Spike asked with a hint of his old smirk.  
  
"Sort of. I think that if we can keep you calm, we can talk about your fears and insecurities and help you fight those voices, do you object to the drug?"   
  
"Guess it can't hurt to try it, it sure feels good to be alone in my head for a change."  
He gave a slight smile.  
  
"Let's get started on the other part of the therapy, the really hard part," She smiled at him, "The talking part."  
  
"I'm not the one with the talking problem, she ....." Spike suddenly stopped midsentence, "What do you want to talk about?"  
  
"She as in Buffy? Buffy has problems talking?" Dana scribbled away.  
  
Spike seemed to ignore her question, "What do you want to talk about?" He repeated.  
  
Dana took his question as a hint not to push the Buffy question, she didn't want him to clam up before they got started, "How about being a vampire? How did you end up getting turned?"  
  
"I met a girl in a dark alley, she said she could see something in me. Next thing I knew I was a vampire. Was pretty happy about it for a lot of years too." He said matter of factly.  
  
"So you were happy about the violence and bloodshed, did those things make you happy before you were turned?"   
  
Spike's mind was suddenly full of pictures of his mom's kitchen, fresh scones on the table, playing in the snow with his younger sister, unwrapping skates from under the   
Christmas tree, things from his past that made him happy. He shook his head, if he didn't snap out of it he was gonna start singing, 'these are a few of my favorite things'. He cleared his throat, "No, those things didn't make me happy before, William was a poet,a bad one and he abhorred violence of any type."  
  
"What makes you happy now?" She stopped writing and looked at him.  
  
A face flashed in his mind, a pretty blonde, Buffy. Buffy made him happy, still after everything. "I don't know...." He finally answered.  
  
"Come on, something makes you happy. You seemed happy to hear that Dawn wanted to visit you." Dana prompted.  
  
Spike smiled, "Yeah, Niblet she makes me happy. She's a good kid, when Buffy was....  
gone that Summer, we took care of each other. Course I let her down later...Guess I'm always gonna go back to being bad."  
  
"But she still wants to see you, Spike. I think that you are letting all of those ghosts from your past keep you out of the present. Let me ask you why did you go searching for your soul? If being bad made you happy, why change at all?"  
  
"I had my reasons." He muttered.  
  
"Okay, do you regret all of those people you hurt over the years?" Dana lay her notebook on the table.  
  
"Yes, I do." He continued to ball up the pillow.  
  
"So you know realistically you can't make it up to them personally right?"   
  
"Yes, they are long gone and I wasn't....I wasn't really in control then. But still I owe them something." He sighed.  
  
"What you owe them now is to never go back to being that vampire again. You have a second chance to help people now instead of harm them. And from what I understand from Buffy you were already trying to do that before you took your trip. So I want you to concentrate on that when you hear the voices." Dana patted his arm.  
  
"The voices from the far past are much easier it deal with then the recent ones." Spike's voice cracked slightly.  
  
"What do you mean recent? Buffy said you hadn't hurt anyone in a very long time." Dana  
looked confused.  
  
"She told you that?" Spike closed his eyes, "I hurt her...before I left...I wanted to be good, the man she deserved and I went to her and...." he bit on his bottom lip until small drops of blood ran down his chin.  
  
"She told me you argued you wanted to force her to admit she loved you?" Dana finished for him.  
  
"ARGUED??? She said we ARGUED!!!" Spike became more and more agitated. He turned away from Dana and began speaking to the corner of the room, " Argued thats what she called it? Hurt the girl, I hurt her - love her, love her.....you always hurt the one you love. Always."  
  
"Spike?" Dana stood and gently shook his arm, "Spike?" It was no use he was gone again. She did her best to settle him back in the bed, wiping the blood from his chin as he mumbled to himself.  
  
"I'll be back later to check on you." She told him as she left the room, she made a notation on his chart to give him another dose of medication. When she got back to her office she called Buffy at work.  
  
Buffy was sitting at her desk anxious for the worl dau to be over, Spike was getting better! She had seen the spark of 'her' Spike this afternoon. Now she wanted to go get his clothes and food and get back to him, it had been too long. The phone startled her from her happy thoughts.  
  
Buffy picked up the phone, it was almost time to go home, who was calling now? "Hello?"   
  
"Buffy, this is Dr. Lavery."  
  
"Is Spike okay?" Buffy's heart jumped to her throat.  
  
"He's had a little setback, but I'm sure he'll be fine. I would like to talk to you about something he said when you come back this afternoon." Dana told her as she poured a cup of coffee.  
  
"What kind of setback?" Buffy twisted the phone cord tightly in her hand, "What did he  
say?"  
  
"He's slipped back into a slight dementia, it happened as we were talking about the argument the two of you had before he left town, he got very agitated, kept saying he loved you, but hurt you? Buffy, I'm going to need you to tell me exactly what happened during that argument."  
  
Buffy began to chew on her bottom lip, tears welled in her eyes. She didn't want to go over the events of that night again, it was the past and she wanted it to stay there.  
  
"Buffy? Are you still there?" Dana asked after a few moments.  
  
"I...I'm not sure going over that will help anything." She finally sighed.  
  
"Would you please let me be the judge of that? This seems to be a sore subject for both of you, maybe we help both of you if we discussed what happened that night."  
  
"I'm not the crazy vampire who needs help! I'm fine." Buffy spat the words into the phone.  
  
"Honestly, Buffy, I think you and Spike both have some major issues. But if you don't feel like you need help I can't force you to talk to me, but I can ask you to do it for the "crazy" vampire, you do care about him, don't you?" Dana waited several more moments for a reply.  
  
"Fine. I'll be there in about an hour and a half." Buffy hung up the phone and reached for  
the box of tissues on her desk, she hadn't realized that somewhere in the conversation  
she had started crying.  
  
TBC 


	8. part eight

The clock ticked away the last half hour of the work day as Buffy tried not to think about what Dr. Lavery wanted from her. She wasn't sure she could tell her everything, as long as she had forgiven Spike then there was really no reason to go into it, was there?  
  
Dawn joined her in the office when the bell rang, they were going to pick up some clothes for Spike. Buffy had promised to let Dawn help as she explained that Spike wanted to wait a bit to have her visit. Dawn seemed pacified with the shopping trip and as a bonus, Buffy even sprang for pizza before taking Dawn home and leaving for the  
clinic.  
  
She almost turned around and went home when she reached her destination, she was dreading talking to Dr. Lavery. But the two bags she carried reminded her that Spike needed her, one was carrying his supper and the other held plain black sweats and several pairs of boxer shorts, one pair covered in calico kittens, Dawn's gift to Spike.  
She grinned as she remembered Dawn picking them out in the department store. Spike would fuss but she knew he would end up wearing them because Dawn picked them out.  
  
***  
Dana finished her phone call to Buffy and waited a little while befor going back to Spike's room to check on him, she was hoping that she could talk him through this spell, help him focus.e was sitting up in the bed when she returned, his eyes clear but his irritation at their earlier conversation still present. "How do you feel?"  
  
"I feel like this is a mistake, I should go." He told her as he stood up.  
  
"I think you know that it's not a mistake....I think you want help..but you're afraid." Dana placed her hand on his shoulder and eased him to sit back down, "You don't have to be afraid, you can work through it, but you'll have to focus and face things, just like what we were talking about earlier."  
  
"Not sure I can." He mumbled.  
  
"Not sure you can what?" Buffy came into the room smiling.  
  
"Nothing."   
  
"Okay....we'll talk about 'nothing' later. Here are some sweats for you and some boxers." She handed over the bag with the clothes in it.  
  
He peeked in the bag and frowned as he pulled out the kitten print boxers.  
  
"Hey, it wasn't me, those were Dawn's idea." Buffy grinned at him and handed him the other bag, "Here is some supper for you."  
  
"I'll heat that up for you and then I need to talk to Buffy while you eat." Dana took the bag from Spike and nodded towards Buffy. Buffy's smile slipped slightly as she watched the doctor leave the room.  
  
"So how are you feeling? Dr. Lavery says you got kind of upset earlier." Buffy asked as she sat down next to him.  
  
"I'm okay, still not sure I should be here."  
  
"Just give it some time, please?" Buffy asked softly.  
  
"Here you go, nice and warm." Dana told him as she handed him the mug, 'You enjoy that and Buffy and I will be back in a few minutes."  
  
Buffy follwed Dana into her office,"Buffy. I'm glad you could make it."  
  
"Well, to be honest I almost didn't. Dr. Lavery, I appreciate the help you're giving Spike but this..this thing you want me to talk about....it's very hard, and maybe best forgotten." Buffy fidgeted with a paper weight on the desk, "I just don't see any reason to drag this all up again." Buffy told her as she sat down.  
  
"Well, you may feel it's best forgotten, but it seems to me that neither you or Spike have forgotten. I would really like to know exactly what happened that last night..." Dana pulled out her tablet again.  
  
"I had a run in with Warren and I was hurt, I was in the bathroom running a hot bath. Spike came in....he wanted to apologize..... He was upset, wanted to know why I didn't let Xander stake him." Buffy stopped and took a deep breath.  
  
" So Xander doesn't like Spike?" Dana asked.  
  
"Thats an understatement." Buffy nodded her head.  
  
"Xander's a friend of yours? "   
  
"Yes, long time friend." Buffy nodded again.  
  
"He's your long time friend, but you aren't exactly sure what Spike is to you?" Dana prodded Buffy, "Then why wouldn't you let him stake him?"  
  
"I couldn't let him stake Spike because.....I care for him, okay?" Buffy was chewing on her bottom lip.  
  
"Yes, I think it's okay that you care for him," Dana gave her a small smile, "But why did he want staked? You said earlier he wanted to force you to admit you loved him?"  
  
"He was miserable because I.. didn't ...couldn't....love him. He began to try to embrace me, kept telling me he could make me feel......make me love him, if I would just let him.....inside of me. He pushed me down and........" Tears rolled down Buffy's face.  
  
Dana left her chair and knelt in front of Buffy placing her hand on her arm, the truth dawning on her, "He raped you?" She asked softly as she reached for the tissue on her desk.  
  
"NO! He tried but I threw him off and he.....he came back to himself and I knew ......as hurt and angry as I was then....I knew that 'he knew' how wrong it was. He left that night, went away to make himself a better person....for me." Buffy was sobbing now as Dana handed her more tissue and patted her back.  
  
  
  
"But it still hurts? Part of you is still angry with him?"   
  
"A small part of me is still angry at him...at me...at both of us. I used Spike and I knew whether I admitted it or not that he really did love me. We were both wrong on so many levels. Doesn't matter, that night is over, I forgave him." Buffy wiped at her eyes and then blew her nose as fresh tears continued to course down her cheeks.  
  
***  
Spike finished his meal and picked up the sack with the boxers in it again. He pulled a pair from the plastic wrapping and got out of bed to put them on, they felt a bit strange at first but he supposed he could get used to them. What was taking them so long? He decided to find out. As he walked into the hallway his acute hearing picked up the sound of crying....a familiar cry, Buffy. He raced towards the sound and stopped at Dana's office door. Without knocking he opened the door to find Buffy in tears, her pretty eyes red rimmed and swollen. "What have you done to her?" He knelt beside Buffy, "You okay, pet?" His voice was soft and full of concern.  
  
Buffy sniffed again, "I'm okay."  
  
"We were talking about that night, the confrontation between you two in Buffy's bathroom?" Dana looked pointedly at Spike.  
  
Shamefaced he lowered his head, "Oh....I see..." He turned and left the room.  
  
Buffy turned to Dana, "See...bringing this up does no good...for anyone." She left the office following Spike back to his room. Despite the trauma of her conversation with Dana, she found herself smiling as she watched Spike's backside - he was wearing   
boxers - the calico kittens peeping at her from the open back of his hospital gown.  
  
He went back to his room and sat down in the chair by his bed. He seemed sad and small to Buffy when she entered the room, "I'm okay, Spike really I am."   
  
He nodded once, "It's my problem, she shouldn't drag you into it, make you relive the horror... I'm sorry."  
  
"It's really okay." She tenatively touched his hair.  
  
Dana gave them a moment before entering the room, "Does Spike know you forgave him?" She asked point blank.  
  
"Huh....well, I'm trying to help him," Buffy turned to Spike, "You know I forgive you don't you?"  
  
His eyes watering he replied very softly, "You shouldn't forgive me."  
  
Dana decided rolling her eyes wasn't very proffesional so she nodded her head instead,  
"You two still think you don't need to talk this out?"  
  
TBC 


	9. part nine

Authors Note: Sorry this is so short but I've been busy at work and getting ready for Thanksgiving. Thanks for all of the wonderful feedback ~ Andra  
  
  
  
Buffy looked around the room trying to focus on anything but the doctor standing in front of her. Spike lowered his head playing with the edge of the bedspread.  
  
Dana was persistent, "Well, is anyone going to answer my question? Do you two really think that you can go on without having this discussion. Because I don't, that one night seems to be the crux of," She looked at Buffy then, " 'both' of your problems."  
  
Spike looked up and watched Buffy's face, she flushed slightly, "I'm not the one...."  
Her voice faded even she knew it was a lame argument, turning to Spike, "Do you want to talk about it?" Her words were soft.  
  
"Do you?" He answered her question with a question.  
  
"Yes, she really does and so do you." Dana answered for Buffy as she opened her ever present notebook, "I'll even start for both of you."  
  
Buffy settled herself comfortably on the bed next to Spike careful to not touch him. He pulled a pillow into his lap and hugged it tightly.  
  
"First off, Buffy, Spike's attack left you terrified and it wasn't just the physical fear?" Dana asked seriously.  
  
"I was scared, I was hurt and ......" Buffy started her voice trembling.  
  
Spike's face turned even paler if that was possible, as he listened to her.  
  
"What hurt you the most? When he pushed you down on the floor or.....after you subdued him?"   
  
"I knew that I could....take him physically even though I was scared. What hurt more was..." She stopped again and took a deep breath then continued in an almost whisper, "Trust....the trust was gone. He said he loved me....and." Her voice broke and she couldn't finish the sentence.   
  
  
"See thats why...you shouldn't make her talk about this." Spike pleaded, his eyes wet with unshed tears. His heart aching for Buffy,  
  
Dana held up her hand to Spike, "Your turn is next, right now, just listen." She turned back to Buffy, "Are you okay?"  
  
Buffy nodded her head. Dana took this as a sign to continue, "He said he loved you, but then he tried to do this horrible thing to you. Why?"  
  
"Because I didn't love him....I used him, led him on, we both treated each other badly, he  
knew what he did was wrong..." Buffy wiped at her eyes with the back of her hands.  
  
"Do you think he wanted to hurt you?" Dana asked softly.  
  
"No, it wasn't about hurting me, it was about us hurting each other. I know that now, that's why I forgave him." Buffy looked into Spike's eyes, "I forgave you." Tears ran down her cheeks.  
  
"But you shou..." Spike started.  
  
Dana cut him off quickly, "Before we get into should and shouldn't let me ask you some questions about that night." She took some tissue from the box by the bed and handed it to Buffy.  
  
Spike sighed as he watched Buffy wiping her tearstained face "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked her, his eyes taking in her every movement.  
  
Dana watched in fascination it seemed that when they were comforting each other they dissappeared into their own world as if no one else mattered. Somewhere under the rubble of what they had done to each other was a loving caring relationship, whether they realized it or not.  
  
"I'm okay...it's just hard...getting it all out." Buffy sniffled, "Go ahead it's your turn."  
  
Spike turned back to Dana, "Fine, ask away."  
  
  
"When you went to Buffy's that night, did you go there with the intent to hurt her, to attack her like that?"   
  
"No...I went to apologize and as you can see I messed that up well and proper." He sighed.  
  
"But you didn't want to hurt her, did you?" The doctor prodded.  
  
"No, I wanted to make her feel the same way I did. I went too far. She should have staked me then and there." Spike looked at Buffy, "I don't know how you can say you forgive me."  
  
"Spike.." Buffy moved closer to him.  
  
"Buffy, let me finish Spike's questions and then you can respond, okay?" Dana smiled at the small blonde sitting across from her.  
  
"Okay." Buffy nodded her head.  
  
"Spike. do you think you would ever try to hurt Buffy like that again?"   
  
Spike stood up anger rising, "NO! I would never hurt her like that."  
  
Dana smiled at him, "You didn't mean to hurt her then and you would never hurt her like that again, if Buffy understands this, then why shouldn't she forgive you?"  
  
"Because....she just shouldn't." Spike began to pace in front of the bed.  
  
"Do you trust Buffy?"   
  
"Of course I do." He muttered.  
  
"Well then if she has decided to forgive you and you trust her, then it's an offense to her if you don't accept her forgiveness. And while you're at it, maybe both of you should think about forgiving yourselves." Dana stood and shut her notebook, "I'm going to leave you alone now, Buffy I think it's best if you keep this visit short. Please think about what you've both said tonight." She nodded at them as she left the room.  
  
****   
  
Spike sat down in the chair across from Buffy, "She's pushy innit she?" He nodded towards the door that Dana had left through.  
  
Buffy nodded in agreement, "She is......but she's right. Spike this isn't all about you. Oh, yes - I know you have a past but I think you can get through that. But this thing that happened with me...you have to let it go. I have."  
  
"I do trust you, you know." He ran a tired hand through his hair, "But I worry about your judgment on this one."  
  
Buffy smiled at him, "Don't worry." Standing she took his hand, "Spike I need to say something else since we're doing true confessions."  
  
"What?" He looked apprehensive.  
  
"I need you to forgive me for all the hurtful things I did to you." She looked directly into his eyes.  
  
"Buffy...pet. You didn't have to ask...there's nothing to forgive." Spike tried to smile, she looked so sweet sitting there, her warm hand on his.  
  
"How about when I beat you up in outside the police station?" She asked softly.  
  
"You were upset."   
  
"It still wasn't right." Buffy squeezed his hand, "I better go now before Dr. Lavery comes back with that notebook of hers. We probably both have a lot to think about." She let go of his hand and turned to leave.  
  
"You'll be back?" He called after her.  
  
"Of course, and I'll bring Dawn if it's okay?"   
  
"Sure, bring the Niblet round." He gave her a half smile and waved as he watched her go.  
  
He sat alone in the small room wondering if he could trust what he had heard Buffy say,  
could she really have forgiven him? All those others in his past....would their ghosts ever forgive him too?  
  
TBC  
  
*** 


	10. part ten

Buffy stood outside the front door, rubbing her face to remove the tear stains, there was no reason for Dawn to know she had been crying. Talking to Spike tonight had been possibly the worst torture she had ever endured, but oddly enough now that it was over she felt better, lighter then she had felt in a long time. She put a smile on her face and  
entered the house, "Dawn, I'm home."   
  
  
Dawn bounced out of the kitchen a sandwich in her hand.  
  
"You're eating again?" Buffy grinned at the dark haired girl.  
  
"I'm a growing girl." Dawn smiled in return as she took a bite of her sandwich, "How is  
Spike?" She mumbled through peanut butter and jelly.  
  
"He's better, I think, you want to go see him tomorrow?" Buffy asked as she sat down on the couch.  
  
"You mean it?" Dawn sat down beside her.  
  
"Yes, he wants to see you. We'll go after lunch tomorrow."   
  
"Good! I'm so glad he's feeling better." Dawn finished her sandwich and stood up  
yawning, "I'm gonna go to bed now, see you in the morning." She leaned over and kissed Buffy's cheek.  
  
"Night." Buffy replied as she lay on the couch thinking about her earlier visit to the clinic.  
Spike loved her still.....she could tell just by listening to him, under all of his self loathing he still loved her.....and she.......she...."cared" for him. That was it, 'cared' it couldn't be more then that, because that other word, the 'L' word carried far too much responsibilty.  
She was his friend, she was a good friend - right? She was helping him...She closed her eyes as the earlier feeling of lightness was replaced by something much heavier...  
She sat up in the bed, so much for feeling better, she should know better then to ever think so much - it only led to confusion when it came to her feelings for a certain vampire.  
  
*******  
Spike sat in the chair by the bed his legs stretched out up on the bed, his mind full of questions. Buffy forgave him? It seemed a miracle but when he remembered the sincerity in her voice, the look in her eyes. Was it possible.....did she feel...more? Stupid, stupid, don't get your hopes up....  
  
Dana lightly knocked on the door to his room before sticking her head in, "Spike, can we talk?'  
  
He pulled his legs from the bed and sat up in the chair, "Of course, might as well wring as much out of me as you can tonight." He gave her a serious smile.  
  
"Well, actually I thought that you might want to clean up, I was going to show you the shower room and then we can talk, okay?" Dana smiled at him.  
  
"That would be good, nice hot shower." He stood and followed her down the hall to   
large room filled with shelves of fluffy towels and several shower stalls.  
  
"When you get done, just come back to your room, I'll be there." She instructed him before leaving the room.  
  
Spike undressed and stepped into a shower stall, turning on the water he adjusted the temperature until the steam filled the room, the hot water gently pelting his back. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually showered, seemed like a lifetime...or maybe just a 'soul' ago. So much has changed.....he thought as he opened the small bottle of shampoo on the small shelf in the shower and lathered his hair, he could tell it needed to be cut and he probably needed a dye job too. Buffy believed he could get through this......he would - for her he thought with a smile. A small voice creeped into his head.....but you need to do it for you.....she can't be counted on... NO! he wasn't going to let 'them' get to him. He quickly rinsed his hair and turned off the water, toweling off he looked at his clothes lying on the floor and shook his head, he wanted something clean, he needed clean.   
  
Spike wrapped the towel around his waist and walked quickly down the hall to his room.  
Dana was waiting for him, her mouth dropped open slightly when she saw his state of undress. Noticing the distressed look on his face, "Are you okay?," she asked as she stood.  
  
"Umm....washed, I'm clean....washed it all away...." Spike shook his head trying to clear it, not now! Please...not now, he had been himself for a good part of the day, he didn't want to lose it now.  
  
"Calm down, let's get you into some clean clothes and we'll talk," Dana found the bag that Buffy had brought and pulled out a pair of boxers, she also found a new gown in the drawer of the small dresser, "Here, step in the bathroom and put these on...can't have you running around in just a towel, it will distract my nurses." She smiled at him as she  
opened the door to the small bathroom.  
  
He stared blankly at her as he followed her instructions, the toilet was the only accessory in the small room. He sat down and began to pull on his boxers, "They aren't here, they aren't here." He chanted soflty as he put his arms through the sleeves of the gown.  
  
Dana stood close to the door, "You okay in there?"  
  
"I'm...okay." He stuttered as he stood and opened the door.  
  
"Good, let's get you in the bed and we'll talk." Dana led him towards the bed and   
helped to climb underneath the covers.  
  
"Feeling better?" She asked as she opened her notebook once again.  
  
"Some....seems like I have to fight myself to stay sane sometimes." He ran his hand through his hair.  
  
"But you're getting better I can tell. I think part of that is the medicine I've been giving you. I'm going to give you some more tonight, see if it will help you sleep and keep the voices at bay, okay?"   
  
"Fine." He nodded absently.  
  
"I wanted to talk about what happened earlier... with Buffy?" She nodded her head at him, "How do you feel about that?"  
  
"I....hated for her to have to remember that. It was so wrong..." Spike started chewing on his lip.  
  
"It was hard for her...for both of you. But I think it's better now that its out in the open and  
she did forgive you. You need to think about that, if Buffy forgave you then I think it's a sure bet that despite your past you can go on. It wasn't really you who did those things and you've fought that to become a better man. You need to think about that when the voices invade okay? Fight them as hard as you fought the monster, you can do it. I know you can, Buffy knows you can." She patted his arm, "I'm going to give you your meds now." She poured him a small glass of water and handed him two small tablets.  
  
Spike took the tablets and swallowed them without argument, "I'll be back to check on you later. Tonight is my call night so I'll be here all night. Tomorrow I'd like you to meet Dr. Dawson, he's here on call when I'm not."   
  
She smiled as she closed the door and left him alone with his thoughts. Spike closed his eyes hoping for sleep but it evaded him, he got out of bed, turned on the light and began to pace the room for what seemed like an hour before Dana stepped into the room, "Can't sleep?"  
  
He turned to her, "No, doesn't seem that way."  
  
"Do you play chess?" She asked leaning against the door.  
  
"Not for a long time..but yeah I can play." He answered his forehead creasing with confusion, what did that have to do with anything?  
  
"I'll go get the board and we'll play, maybe that will tire you out some and you can rest." She left the room and shortly returned with an old wood chess board with elegantly carved pieces.   
  
Spike sat on the bed as she pulled the bed table between then and sat the board up on it, she took a seat on the other side. "It's a lovely board." Spike commented as he picked up the ebony king and held it in his hand.  
  
"It was my grandfather's" She told him with a grin, "Do you want black or white?"  
  
"Black of course for my black heart," He replied only half joking.  
  
"My first rule in chess is that you can't talk like that, okay?" She replied quite seriously as she lined up the Ivory pieces in front of her.  
  
"Okay, doctor. I'll keep the demeaning comments to myself." He told her as he lined up his own pieces.  
  
"Now tell me about this Dawn person, Niblet as you call her?" She asked nonchalantly as she moved her first piece.  
  
"What?" He asked as he moved his own piece.  
  
"I want to know about her, you seem to care for her quite a bit. Might be easier if you loved her instead of Buffy." She carefully watched his expression.  
  
Spike's eyes grew large, "She's sixteen years old! She's Buffy's little sister. I do love her but never like that!"  
  
"What does age matter to you anyway, you're over a hundred years old." Dana moved her next piece.  
  
"Niblet is like my sister, I took care of her when Buffy was gone....I promised....promised Buffy I would protect her." Spike made his next move, "Doesn't matter even if Dawn was older, Buffy's it for me."  
  
"You love her that much?"  
  
"Yes, got my soul back for her didn't I?" He rolled his eyes at her.  
  
"Then there's another reason you should accept her forgiveness isn't it?" She smiled as she took one of his knights from the board.  
  
"It's not quite as easy as all that." He frowned as he made his next move.  
  
"It could be." She answered as she studied the board.  
  
"I want to do it, I want to do it for her. But what if she can't, won't ever love me? Don't know if I can handle that....being 'just friends' with Buffy would be a different torture."  
He then grunted triumphantly as he removed a white bishop from the board.  
  
She moved another piece defensively, "I think I know the biggest part of your problem."  
  
"And which of my problems did you choose as the biggest?" He asked sarcastically as  
he moved another black piece on the board.  
  
"You are scared of being sane, you're scared to let go of the guilt, those voices are a weird kind of comfort to you, you can use them as the reason why Buffy doesn't return your feelings, instead of putting that behind you and trying for an honest relationship with her. You think that being crazy is a better alternative to being without her." She looked him in the eye.  
  
  
His eyes flashed with anger -"You know I think I'm ready for bed now." He pushed the table away and lie down.  
  
"Okay, I'll just pick the board up and set it over here, "She carried the board to the dresser, "We'll finish the game "and" the discussion tomorrow." She turned off the light on her way out of the room.  
  
  
As he lay in the bed he thought about Dr. Lavery's words, "Crazy with Buffy being here or sane without her, which was better?"  
  
TBC 


	11. part eleven

"Hello, Mr. Spikely." Nurse Sherry came into the room, "How are you feeling this morning?"  
  
"Alright I suppose." Spike sat up on the edge of the bed as the nurse pulled fresh bedding from the small closet.  
  
I'm going to change your sheets now, okay?" She smiled at him as he moved to the chair. "This isn't any of my business, I know. But I couldn't help but notice your hair."  
  
"My hair?" He raised his hand to head.  
  
"Yes sir, I know you can't see it, no mirrors in here. But ...um...you bleach it right?"  
She fluffed the pillow as she put a new case on it.  
  
"Yes.....roots, my roots are bad? I know the hair is grown quite a bit." He frowned, would have been nice if someone had told him before.  
  
"Well, yes. But my sister Sunni, she could come in and fix that for you. She's just finished beauticians school and I know she could do your roots for you. She does my hair." Sherry smiled as she touched her soft curls.  
  
"It's a lovely do, when can she come in?" Spike asked with a smile.  
  
"I'll call her later, bet she could do it tonight when she leaves the shop." Sherry finished the bed and turned to leave.  
  
"Thanks." Spike called after her.  
  
"Your welcome." Sherry replied, "Dr. Dawson will be in shortly to see you."  
  
"The doctor that Dr. Lavery mentioned?"   
  
"Yes, he and Dr. Lavery alternate call time. I'll see you later." Sherry waved as she left the room.  
  
A short time later there was a knock on the door and a middle aged man with salt and pepper hair stepped into the room, "Mr. Spikely, I'm Dr. Dawson." He extended his hand to Spike who grasped it in a firm shake. "Dana...Dr. Lavery has filled me in on your special case."  
  
Spike nodded at him, "Everything?"  
  
"Yes, everything." Dr. Dawson nodded.  
  
"And you beleived her?"   
  
"Dana had an experience in LA that made her believe in lots of strange things, but me, hey I'm from Sunnydale and even though most people here turn their head - I've learned to accept just about anything." Dr. Dawson grinned, "So you're story - not so hard to believe. Dana is your primary doctor but I did want to introduce myself and if I can help in anyway, let me know." Spike watched as the doctor left the room, couldn't put his finger on it but there was something about the man that didn't sit well with him.  
  
Dr. Dawson went back to his office nodding at Dana as he met her in the hallway. She may trust her vampire, but he didn't, tonight when he was on call, the so called Mr. Spikely would be in restraints. Dana didn't know what a valuable specimen she had here, but he did not plan on letting this opportunity pass.  
  
Dr. Lavery soon entered the room, "Up for an early round of chess, ready to finish that game?" She asked as she handed him a warm mug.  
  
"Actually I've been thinking, that it really is time for me to go." He sighed.  
  
"Oh...so last night, I hit too close to home. Best to run away instead of face it?" She stood beside the dresser looking at the chess game.  
  
"No... well..." Spike shook his head trying to come up with an argument.  
  
"Anyway Buffy really wants you to stay a bit and she is bringing Dawn tonight." Dana turned towards Spike, "And Sherry says her sister is coming to do your hair." She smiled at him.  
  
"Oh yeah. Guess I better stick around at that." He ran his hands through the unruly curls.  
  
"So, shall we talk or play?" She pulled the other chair next to his.  
  
"Rather play later if I can't sleep tonight." Spike ran his hands over his face, "Guess we'll talk."  
  
"Good. Now where were we last night?" Oh...right here." She pulled out the notebook.  
  
"Buffy...I think we were discussing your using your instability as an excuse to not have to actually deal honestly with her."   
  
"Yeah.." Spike frowned, "I think that's where we were."   
  
"Does everything depend on her acceptance of you?" Dana asked her expression serious.  
  
"Well.....I want her approval that's true. Doesn't seem like there is much reason to go through all of this if she hates me." He was quiet for a moment, "You don't think she'll ever really care for me? His words were soft and vulnerable.  
  
" I think your getting better, it needs to be for you first." Dana smiled at him and patted his arm, "As for Buffy, I think she's never really had a great romantic experience from the little bit she told me. Everyone she loves seems to leave her."  
  
Spike thought about her words, "I guess I've never thought I was worth getting better for."  
  
"You are." Dana smiled again.  
  
He squirmed in the chair uncomfortably, "Buffy has rotten luck cause she always chooses the wrong bloke."  
  
"Except you?" Dana questioned.  
  
"Well, I wanted to think I was the right one. But let's face it our relationship as it was - was not about romance, as much as I wanted it to be. It was about raw emotions, Buffy needed to feel, I helped with that. And then......after I'd done my best to show her that "I" was the only one for her....I betrayed her too. I'd take back that night in a second if I could."  
  
"Even though it pushed you into your 'soul search'?" Dana was writing in her notebook again, "I mean I have to say despite everything that's happened I think you're in a much better position with Buffy then you were before."  
  
"Suppose so." He nodded.  
  
"So do you think it's possible for you to go on strictly for 'you'?"   
  
"I think I might be ready to try." Spike gave her a half smile.  
  
'Good enough for now. I'll talk to you later." Dana stood and smiled as she left the room.  
  
Spike ventured out into the tv room and was delighted to find an older lady there watching Passions. They spent the next two hours discussing the show and it's plots. The conversation brought back the memory of Joyce discussing the show as they sat in his crypt together.   
  
"Oh, there you are, Mr. Spikely." Sherry entered the lounge.  
  
"Just Spike." He answered.  
  
"Okay, Spike. My sister got off early and she's come to do your hair if that's okay." The nurse took him back to his room where a girl with the same soft curls stood holding various grooming implements and bleach. "This is Sunni."  
  
"Nice to meet you." Sunni held out her free hand, "Sherry said you needed some hair help."  
  
"I appreciate the help." He smiled at the girl and she beamed.  
  
"Lets go in the bathroom and get started." She led him to the small room.  
  
An hour later he emerged with a trim and and no roots. "I left it a little long cause I liked the curls." Sunni giggled as Sherry surveyed her work.  
  
"I like it." Sherry told him, "If you want you can run down to the shower room and look in the mirror there."  
  
"I trust you. I'll look later." Spike smiled at the women, "Thanks."  
  
"No problem. Here's my card." Sunni flashed a grin at him as she and Sherry walked out.  
  
Spike smiled to himself as he heard the younger sister say, "You were right, he's cute!"  
  
****  
  
"You ready?" Buffy called upstairs to once more, "This is just Spike not the Miss America pageant, he doesn't care what you wear."  
  
Dawn frowned as she entered the living room, "I haven't seen him for awhile, I wanted to look right."  
  
"You look fine. Let's go."  
  
The sisters arrived at the clinic with a bag of goodies for Spike. Dawn had insisted on bringing some spicy wings for him to snack on along with his usual liquid nourishment. He could smell them as soon as the girls hit the hallway to his room, he stood up and went to his door to investigate. He was soon attacked by Dawn as she launched herself at him embracing him in a tight hug, "Spike!!" She squealed as he picked her up and twirled her around.  
  
"Niblet!" He replied just as enthusiatically.  
  
Buffy shook her head and laughed at the site of Spike, who was thankfully wearing boxers, his gown flowing behind him as she twirled Dawn who appeared to be all legs and flowing hair. "If you sit her down, you can have what's in the bag."  
She waved the bag in front of him.  
  
"Ah...is that really wings?" He asked gently setting Dawn down on her feet.  
  
"Yes, you can thank Dawn for them." She handed him the bag with a large smile.  
  
Spike took the bag and sat down on the edge of the bed pulling the table in front of him. He opened the bag slowly,  
enjoying the aroma.  
  
"Just open them Spike!" Dawn told impatiently.  
  
"Just wanted to savor the scent, been a while since I've had these." He fully opened the bag then and removed   
a wing, he bit into it and closed his eyes, "Mmmm delicious."  
  
"Told Buffy you'd like them." Dawn smirked at her sister as Spike dove wholeheartedly into the wings.  
  
"Those were wonderful!" He sighed when he finished.  
  
"Wait a minute, you've got a bit of sauce on your chin." Buffy leaned over and using a tissue scrubbed at his chin, she then ran her hand through his hair, "And the hair! I like it."  
  
Dawn watched her sister carefully, was she actually seeing Buffy be caring towards Spike?  
  
"Sherry, the nurse, her sister Sunni came in and did it for me. Bit longer then usual, but it's okay?" He asked  
suddenly worried about it.  
  
"Yeah, it looks really good." Dawn assured him as he watched Spike watch Buffy.  
  
"I like it a little longer." Buffy smiled at him.  
  
"So, Niblet how are you?" Spike turned his attention towards the younger Summer's girl.  
  
"I'm great. School's started and we're in the new school, " Dawn paused, "But I guess you knew that, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, it's okay?" Spike smiled, "Made any new friends? Maybe someone to replace Janice, she seems to steer you towards trouble."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes at him, "Yes as a matter of fact, I've met some new people, unfortunately we were being terrorized at the time."  
  
"Good ole' Sunnydale High." Buffy shook her head.  
  
Dawn and Spike talked a bit longer and she promised to come back to visit as soon as Buffy would let her. "Soon, I promise." Buffy told her as they stood to leave. She put her hand on Spike's, "I'll be back tomorrow."  
  
"Thanks for letting her come." Spike told her as they turned to leave.  
  
"No problem, see you soon." Buffy and Dawn waved as they left the room.  
  
"Buffy." Dana called when she saw her leaving Spike's room.  
  
"Yes?" Buffy answered.  
  
"Just wanted to say hello. Let you know that I think we are making real progress with Spike. I would like to talk to you some more when you can." Dana turned to Dawn, "You must be Dawn?"  
  
"Yes, that's me." Dawn smiled.  
  
" This is Dr. Lavery." Buffy introduced Dana.  
  
"It's nice to meet you, Dawn. Spike talks alot about you, he thinks alot of you." Dana shook Dawn's hand, "I guess I better go check on the patient. Buffy, I'll talk to you soon?"  
  
"Sure." Buffy nodded.  
  
"The doctor seems nice, and she's pretty too." Dawn commented as they walked out of the clinic.  
  
'Yes she is nice, and I guess she is pretty, I really hadn't noticed." Buffy replied with a slight frown.  
****  
  
"Spike, ready to finish the game?"   
  
"Sure, Doc." He answered as he watched her bring the board over and set it on the table between them.  
  
" Why don't you call me Dana?" She smiled, "Did you think about our conversation from earlier, about getting well for you?" She asked as she moved her chess piece.  
  
"Yeah, some. I think you're probably right, need to do it for me and then worry about the whole Buffy thing. But it's not that easy." He contemplated a moment before moving his next piece.  
  
"I met Dawn, she seems sweet."   
  
"Yeah, Niblet is a great girl. Been through a lot, been my friend when no one else was." Spike nodded.  
  
The rest of the conversation was mostly Dawn stories from the summer without Buffy. He told Dana of how they  
would sneak out and go for walks when she needed to talk or when she wanted ice cream at one a.m., he would go get it for her. How mostly he had been there when she cried about missing her sister, mostly because he missed her too.  
  
The game finished and Dana yawned, "Time for me to go, Dr. Dawson will be here tonight if you need anything. Goodnight, Spike."  
  
"Goodnight, Dana." He called out as she closed the door.  
  
Dr. Dawson watched as Dana walked to her car. When she was safely out of the parking lot, he called George an aid to meet him in Spike's room. "Mr. Spikely?" Dr. Dawson called out as he turned on Spike's light.  
  
"Yes?" Spike sat up in the bed.  
  
Dr. Dawson nodded towards the large aid, "George, the restraints, please?"  
  
  
TBC 


	12. part twelve

"What's going on?" Spike asked as he sat up better in the bed.  
  
George took one hand firmly and clasped the leather strap tightly around it. Dr. Dawson helped him with the other arm. Spike bucked but was no match for the large aide, the chip protected the man, he watched helplessly as George secured each leg.  
  
"Eh...what do you need those for?" Spike was angry now.  
  
Dr. Dawson stepped forward again, "Mr. Spikely, I've read Dr. Lavery's notes about you, your chip is of great interest to me. I'd like to run some tests."  
  
"You could have just asked instead of trussing me up! What kind of tests?" His eyes flashed at the doctor.  
  
"Just some x rays, EEG etc. Maybe some blood work." Dr. Dawson explained calmly,"And quite honestly, I'm not as trusting of you as others seem to be."  
  
"Dana didn't mention tests." Spike replied frowning.  
  
"She's not aware that I'm running them. But I'm sure my data will prove to be interesting enough that she'll agree with my decisions. Your chip might be a clue on helping some very disturbed people. If I can get a good look at it." Dr. Dawson opened the door to the room, "George, lets roll him down to the x-ray room."  
  
George dutifully released the brakes on the bed and began rolling it out of the room.  
  
"Wait a minute!" Spike called out loudly as the bed left the safety of his room.  
  
"Mr. Spikely you will kindly refrain from causing a scene. I can administer anesthesia if you would rather, you could sleep through the tests." His voice was dark and ominous.  
  
Spike calmed quickly, he knew he wanted to be awake for the tests. He clamped his mouth shut, his jaw tightening as he was wheeled down the hallway. Doctor Dawson flipped on the light in X-ray and began to position Spike as he moved the xray over his head. He and George ducked behind wall with a small window in it and he shot the xray, coming out to reposition Spike two more times. He put the film in the processor and moved Spike to another room for more tests on his brain waves.  
  
He left Spike in the room as he went to check the xrays. George kept a watchful eye on the restrained vampire. Spike was just relieved that the tests weren't painful, so far the only irritation to him was where the tight leather straps had rubbed his wrists and ankles raw.   
  
"Mr. Spikely, I'm sure you have checked into this, but I need to know, have you tried to have this chip removed?" Dr. Dawson pulled a chair close to the bed.  
  
"Once, but it's no good. The doc said he couldn't remove it without killing me or leaving my brain mush." Spike replied suspiciously, "Why?"  
  
"I think it would do my research a lot of good to actually have that chip in hand to look at and study." Dr. Dawson pulled out his own notebook and jotted down something, "This doctor, he was sure the chip was impossible to remove without harm to you?"  
  
"Yeah...that's what he said and he had no reason to lie. Are you done with me now?"  
Spike spit the last part out.  
  
"Yes, I am for now." The doctor stood to leave, "George, you can put him back in his room and loosen the restraints a little."  
  
The aide rolled Spike back to his room and took care when loosening the straps so that Spike could move a bit more comfortably. He lay back on the bed wondering what was going to happen next, he was sure Dr. Dawson wasn't through with him. Part of him was angry with the man and part of him seemed resigned that maybe he deserved the treatment he had recieved tonight.   
  
Early the next morning, Dana walked into the room smiling, the smile quickly left her lips as she saw the restraints on Spike's arms and legs. "What happened? Did you have an episode last night? No one called me."   
  
"Dr. Dawson wanted some tests." Spike nodded at the leather straps, "He isn't quite as  
trusting as you are."  
  
"He what?" Dana began to unbuckle the restraints, "I'm sorry, I had no idea. I'll speak to him about this 'now'. I know this is bad, please don't leave until I talk to him." She shook her head at the raw marks on Spike's wrists, frowning she left the room.  
  
Spike began to pace the room as much as he hated to admit it, it was helping him to be here, and he hated to leave and possibly go back to where he was. He sighed as he realized the desperateness of his situation, he had no place to go. After a few moments he decided to follow Dana he wanted to hear the rest of Dawson's plan for him.  
  
"Joseph!" Dana called down the hall as she glimpsed Dr. Dawson walking out of his office, "I need to speak to you."  
  
"Dana, I was coming to find you. I would like to discuss your patient, Mr. Spikely." He smiled at her as if nothing was wrong.  
  
"Good, that's exactly who I want to discuss." She gave him a tightlipped smile as she followed him back into his office, "What were you doing with Spike last night?" Her voice was deadly calm.  
  
"I wanted to run some tests, frankly I knew you wouldn't approve, Dana. And since when do you call patients by their first name? Cozy with him aren't you?" He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Are you questioning my proffesionalism?" She shot back.  
  
"Of course not. I would like for you to listen to my findings though. Would you please give me that much?" He asked folding his hands together on his desk.  
  
"Fine. Expliain away."   
  
"I read your notes about his chip. I think that given the right circumstances this chip might help some of our more dangerous patients, help control their irrational behavior. I did some xrays last night, the chip is in a dangerous spot, but I think I could remove it, study it, maybe help others with the knowledge." He smiled at her, "See I wasn't doing anything nefarious, just trying to help my research."  
  
"You didn't have to restrain him." She answered angrily.  
  
"I wasn't sure he was as receptive to me as he is to you."  
  
"Well as much as I understand your wanting the chip as a research tool, I'm afraid it's impossible. It's already been documented that the chip can't be removed without killing him or leaving him with severe brain damage. I'm sorry." Dana stood up to leave.  
  
"As I said I think I could remove it." Dr. Dawson now stood.  
  
"You 'think' you could, but you aren't sure. Thats not very good odds for my patient, as it stands the chip isn't hurting him, it's not worth the risk to remove it."   
  
Dr. Dawson's voice rose, " 'Your' patient is a vampire, even if I didn't save him, yet got the chip out, it would be worth it for research purposes."  
  
"Tell that to him and those who care for him, he may not be 'human' in every sense of the word, but he is a man. You are not experimenting on my patient, in fact I would prefer your staying away from him." She turned and left the office slamming the door behind her, she ran into Spike standing by the door, "You heard?"  
  
"Yeah, I did. It's okay, Dana. I mean really with all of the evil I've dished out, why shouldn't he feel that way? This is just proof of what I've tried to tell you - doesnt' matter what I do to prove myself, there are still going to be people who see me like he does - the majority of people will see me that way as a monster." Spike shook his head as they walked back to his room.  
  
"So what - if some narrowminded people see you that way, you'll still know that you aren't that 'monster' and the people who count know that too." Dana gave him a sad smile,"Soon you'll be ready to leave here, we just need to find you a place, maybe a roomate who can help to make sure you're okay the first little while.  
  
  
"Not so sure about that, I doubt Buffy has even mentioned this whole "help Spike" thing to her friends, Red and the Whelp probably don't even know I'm here. I don't think I have anywhere to go now." His voice was soft and emotional, "Do you mind leaving me alone for a bit?"  
  
  
"Of course, I'll be back to check on you soon." Dana left him alone, she walked over to the nurses station where she was greeted by Buffy and Dawn, "Hello, I didnt' expect to see you this early on a Saturday morning."  
  
"Dawn wanted to stop by for a visit and we're going shopping, she has a sleepover tonight." Buffy explained, "Is it okay to see him?"  
  
Dana put her hand on Buffy's shoulder, "Actually I need to talk to you first." She led the two sisters to her office.  
  
"Is Spike okay?" Buffy and Dawn asked in unison.  
  
"He's...not feeling up to company now. He had a bad night, my colleague put him through some unneccesary tests on his chip and left Spike feeling quite vulnerable." Dana explained.  
  
Buffy's voice rose slightly, "Unneccesary test? I thought you said he was safe here."  
  
"He is. I spoke to Dr. Dawson, he is interested in Spike's chip but I think he now understands that he's to leave Spike alone. But Spike is feeling like no matter what he does people will see him as a 'thing'. I think he'll be able to leave soon with some suprevision the first little while. Do you have any idea's where he could go?" Dana asked knowing she was putting Buffy on the spot but needing the girl in front of her to admit the depth of her feelings for the vampire. If she was going to continue to suppress her feelings it did no good for her or Spike.  
  
"He can live with us! We have a basement." Dawn offered as Buffy's mouth dropped open.  
  
"Dawn....uh...that might not be a good idea." Buffy replied softly.  
  
"She's right, Dawn. If Buffy isn't comfortable then it wouldn't be in Spike's best interest."  
Dana told them evenly looking directly at the fidgeting blonde.  
  
"I'm comfortable with Spike." Buffy declared defensively.  
  
"He doesn't think so, he even said that he's sure you haven't told your friends that you've been helping him. Is that true?" Dana prodded.  
  
"Well, no. But..." Buffy started.  
  
"Buffy hasn't really seen Xander or Willow lately. But when she does, she'll tell them, right Buffy?" Dawn rushed to defend her sister.  
  
Dana continued to look at Buffy waiting for her answer, finally she spoke, "Of course I'll tell them."  
  
"Good," Dana stood up, "I think we'll check on Spike now, I hate for you to have wasted your trip here. And as for the place for Spike to stay, we still have a little time to sort that out."   
  
Dawn walked beside Dana to Spike's room, Buffy followed behind lost in her thoughts.  
  
Dana opened the door slowly, Spike was much as she had left him. Sitting on his bed, a worried look on his face, "Hey, you have company, is it okay to let them in?" She smiled at him.  
  
He nodded when he heard Dawn's voice, "Hey Spike." She burst through the door, Buffy behind her. Dana left the trio alone as she went back to her office.  
  
"The doctor said you might get to go home soon." Dawn smiled brightly.  
  
"Yeah, gotta have a 'home' to go to though, Niblet." He wore a pained expression.  
  
"Well..." Dawn started but was interrupted by Buffy.  
  
"You okay? Dr. Lavery told us that the other Doctor ran some tests on you last night?" Buffy stepped closer and picked up his arm inspecting his raw wrist, "Did he do this?"  
  
"He wasn't sure I'd cooperate." Spike replied with a bitter laugh, "S'ok, Dana talked to him, won't happen again." He gave her a half smile.  
  
"Dana?" Buffy asked raising her eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah, Doctor Lavery." Spike nodded.  
  
"Yes, I know that's her first name. But why are you calling her that?" Buffy's voice was more then a little irritated now.  
  
"She told me I could. We've been playing chess and it just kind of happened." He looked at her not sure if he was seeing what he thought he was seeing, was Buffy jealous?  
  
****  
Dr. Dawson walked by Spike's room. Stopping he peeked the small window, he was unnoticed as he watched the scene inside. "Enjoy his company while you can" .....he muttered as he walked away from the room.  
  
TBC 


	13. part thirteen

Spike watched Buffy intently now. She couldn't be jealous, not Buffy.  
  
"It just doesn't seem professional to call her by her first name to me? I mean how would it sound if Dawn called her teachers by their first names? Right, Dawn?" Buffy looked to her sister for support.  
  
Dawn was watching Buffy as intently as Spike, a smile crept across her lips, Buffy was jealous. Well good, it was about time, "Buffy, I think it's kind of neat that Spike gets along that well with Dr. Lavery. I mean that means she's really working at making him better don't you think?"  
  
Spike stole a look at Dawn who flashed him a grin. Niblet is in my corner, he grinned back at her, before turning back to Buffy, "She has really been good to me Buffy, very helpful."  
  
Buffy looked shamefaced for a moment, "I know...I know she's been helpful. I just ...I just don't think it's a good idea to get that close to your doctor you know?"  
  
"I understand." Spike nodded.  
  
"Come on , Dawn. We better go if we are going to do the shopping thing before leave tonight." Buffy pulled on Dawn's sleeve, "Better tell Spike, bye."  
  
"Okay, bye Spike." Dawn winked at him as she left with Buffy.  
  
"Bye." He smiled as he watched his girls leave the room.  
  
****  
  
"Just a minute, Dawn. I want to talk to Dr. Lavery, you go on outside, this will just take a minute." Buffy scooted Dawn out the door and walked to Dana's office. Knocking brusquely she called out "Dr. Lavery?"  
  
"Come on in, Buffy." Dana answered.  
  
"I need to talk to you," Buffy walked over to the desk, "About Spike," She placed both hands palm down on the desk leaning over she began to question the doctor, " He said you've been playing chess? He calls you Dana now? Are you sure that's a good idea?"  
  
Dana had to fight to hold in her smile, "Yes, Buffy. I believe it's a good idea. Spike needs a friend. He needs someone he can depend on, I'd like to be there for him. We enjoy each others company, a nice game of chess. And it's quite acceptable for friends to call each other by their first names."  
  
"But you're his doctor." Buffy argued.  
  
"Yes, I am and I'm really happy with his progress. As I said earlier I think he'll be ready to leave her soon, he just needs someone to make sure he's going to be okay for a while when he leaves. Buffy, you need to admit that you care for Spike, this being partially here for him isn't any good for either of you. He needs you to commit to your feelings, are you his friend? All the time, even around your other friends? Do you feel more than that? He's a good man he deserves at least to know where he really stands with you." Dana responded seriously.  
  
"I....I..." Buffy fumbled for words as her mind wrapped around what Dana was telling her, soon she realized the implication of the Doctor's words, "You love him, don't you?" Buffy asked her voice soft and slightly hesitant as if she couldn't believe she'd asked.  
  
"To be honest, I think I could." Dana stood, "He has a great capacity for love.....and loyalty." She stood up then, "I could love him but he would nev........" Her sentence was never finished as she watched Buffy's face go pale, "Buffy?"  
  
Buffy walked backwards away from the desk, "You....you would be good for him, better then me, I'm sure." Tears began to slowly run down her cheeks, "He deserves that..  
I hope you'll be happy." She turned from the office and ran down the hallway.  
  
Dana ran after the petite blond, "Buffy! Buffy" She called after her, but Buffy was already out the door passing a confused Spike on her way out.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Spike asked Dana as she caught up to him, "She just passed me like I wasn't even there. She's crying."  
  
"Spike, I think I made a mistake. I tried to make Buffy confront her feelings for you and it got twisted around. She thinks that I....that we.... I'm sorry." Dana rubbed her hand over her face.  
  
"She thinks you and I are ....together?" Spike shook his head, "She seemed a bit jealous earlier when I called you by name, but I didn't think she seriously thought.."  
  
"It's my fault, I told her you deserved someone committed to thier feelings, she asked I if loved you? I told her I could but.." Dana walked Spike back into his room closing the door.  
  
"You said you could love me?" Spike sat down in the chair by the bed, "That's nice thought, but I ...."  
  
"You love Buffy, I know. I was trying to tell her that you would never love me.....because you love her. But she ran out." Dana sighed, "I'm sorry."  
  
"It's not your fault, Buffy's very good at running . Doesn't matter anyway,she's never going to commit to any feelings for me. " Spike went to the dresser to find his clothes, sighing he shrugged, "Maybe I should go after her?"  
  
"No, Spike. I should go, I'll find her." Dana shook her apolgetically as she left the room.  
  
***  
  
Dr. Joseph Dawson watched as Dana exited the room, "Dana is everything okay?"  
  
She looked up at him frowning, "I hope it will be. I need to leave for a little while do you think you could be on call for a little while?"  
  
"Of course, I planned on doing some paperwork anyway." He smiled at her,then added "I do wish you would make sure that your special patient has his lunch before you leave, you made it clear you don't want me near him."   
  
"I'm sorry, Joseph, it's just we don't agree on the ethical ramifications of what you want to do with him." Dana walked into her office and pulled a cup of blood from the small refrigerator.   
  
Dr. Dawson watched her getting the blood, he absently patted his pants pocket, this was going better then planned. He 'accidentally' bumped into her spilling a small amount of the blood on to her jacket. "I'm sorry. Let me take the cup and warm it while you take care of that, then you can take it to your patient."  
  
"Thank you." Dana replied as she reached for a bottle of peroxide and tissue to blot the stain clean.  
  
"No problem." He smiled again as he carried the blood to the lounge. When he got there he took the small packet from his pocket and stirred the powder into the blood before sticking it in the microwave.  
  
Dana arrived as the microwave beeped and she removed the mug of blood, "I really am sorry Joseph, I do understand your points, but I just can't go along with it."  
  
"It's okay, Dana, I understand. We all have to follow our own personal codes of conduct." He patted her shoulder before he left the room.  
  
She carried the warm mug to Spike's room.  
"Spike, this is for you. Didn't think you and Dr. Dawson needed to see each other again." Dana offered him the mug, "I'm going to call Buffy's and see if she's there hopefully I can talk to her."  
  
"Don't think it will do any good, she's made her choice." Spike took a drink from the mug.  
  
"Well, it's worth a try." She smiled at him as she left the room.  
  
Dr. Dawson cautiously walked down the hall as he watched Dana return to her office,  
he watched as Spike tried to finish the mug of blood, the drug was already taking effect as he watched the vampire drowsily try to set the mug on the table dropping it and spilling what was left on bedsheets. He smiled as he pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and dialed, "George, I need your help, now."  
  
Spike realized too late that the blood was drugged, the last thing he saw before slipping into blackness was Dr. Dawson and George entering the room.  
  
"Come on, Buffy!" Dana told the ringing phone as she dialed the third time, obviously, Buffy wasn't home. She would have to try again later. She better go tell Spike what was going on, maybe Buffy would be home soon.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" Dana called out as she entered Spike's room.  
  
"I'm going to get that chip out one way or another, Dana. I'm sorry, I tried to talk this out sensibly with you. But you seem to have grown attached to this monster." Dr. Dawson  
shoved Dana towards the bathroom.  
  
She shoved back but he was stronger, shoving her in the small room he closed the door and put a chair under the door knob. "This will help so many it's worth the risks." He called to her from the other side as she pounded on the door.  
  
"Where are we taking him, sir?" George asked as he threw Spike's limp body over his shoulder.  
  
"Abandoned clinic on Hobson. I have some equipment stored there it will work perfectly."   
  
Dana stopped her pounding on the door when she heard George's question, she put her ear to the door listening to Dr. Dawson's answer. She began to pound on the door again.  
  
Nurse Sherry walked by Spike's room and heard the racket, rushing into the room she first noticed that Spike was gone and that it was Dr. Lavery's voice coming from the bathroom. She quickly moved the chair to let Dana out of the bathroom.  
  
"What's happened, Dr.?" Sherry asked when she noticed the blood on the sheets her eyes widened, "Are you okay? Is Spike okay?"  
  
"I'm fine. And I hope he is too. Did you see Dr. Dawson leaving the building?" Dana asked anxiously.  
  
"No, but I just got here a little while ago." Sherry looked confused, "Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
"I'm fine, but I need to make a phone call." Dana ran to her office, "Please be home, Buffy!" The phone was picked up on the second ring.  
  
"Hello?" Buffy's voice came over the line.  
  
"Buffy, this is Dana Lavery."  
  
"Dr. Lavery, I don't mean to be rude, but I really don't feel like taking right now." Buffy  
twisted the phone cord as she spoke.  
  
"I know and I'm sorry. But Spike needs your help." Dana quickly explained what had happened with Dr. Dawson,  
  
"I'll be there in five minutes. You show me where the clinic is and I'll take care of the rest of it." Buffy hung up the phone and found her jacket she was out the door in a flash.  
  
******  
"Right there, George. Pull in the back entrance." Dr. Dawson instructed as they reached the clinic. "Now lets carry the patient inside."  
  
George lifted Spike and carried him to the room Dr. Dawson had prepared. A gurney sat in the room with a small table of covered instruments lying beside it. Spike lay on the table under bright light his arms and legs tightly restrained.  
  
"Shall we get started?" Dr. Dawson asked George as he uncoverd the instuments and removed a razor. He carefully shaved a small portion of Spike's head, the platinum curls falling on the dark floor.  
  
Spike's eyes fluttered open and quickly closed again under the glare of the bright light.  
  
"Ah....it's wearing off already, I wondered how long it would take." The doctor nodded.  
  
"Where.....where are we?" Spike asked as he tried to move his hand.  
  
"We are in an operating room of sorts, my own private operating room. I'm going to take out that pesky chip." Dr. Dawson smiled at Spike.  
  
"But, the other doc said it couldn't be done."   
  
"Yes, you told me that. I'm sure I can remove it though." He continued to smile.  
  
"And you really don't care about the consequences to me, do you?" Spike asked although he already knew the answer.  
  
"I'm getting that chip. If you happen to combust while I remove it or if you're brain is mush when I'm done - you're right, I truly don't care." Dr. Dawson began to hum softly as he reached for a scalpel.  
  
****  
  
TBC  
  
  
  
  
  
" 


	14. part fourteen

Buffy rushed to her mom's car, she didn't drive often but this was an emergency. If anything happened to Spike it would be her fault. She had entrusted him to the clinic, truth be known she was a big reason why he had needed the clinic, needed Dr. Lavery. She shook her head to clear it, she would make sure he was okay and then she would leave him alone, maybe Dana could make him happy. I'm much to messed up to make anyone happy she thought as she squealed into the parking lot of the clinic,  
  
Dana was waiting outside for Buffy when the squealing Jeep stopped a few feet from the back door.  
She ran to the car and opened the passenger door, "Thanks for coming, Spike really needs your help."  
  
Buffy nodded at her curtly, "Which way?"  
  
"This way , it's on Hobson." Dana pointed left as they left the driveway, "Buffy, I'm sorry about earlier,  
I wanted to explain.."  
  
Buffy cut her off abruptly, "You don't have to expain, when we get there, your job is to help Spike, I'll take care of the doctor." Buffy's voice hardened when she said the last word.  
  
"I just want to tell you." Dana started again.  
  
"Dr. Lavery, I really don't want to hear it right now. I know how lousy I am with expressing myself, he deserves better." Buffy replied quietly her hands clinching the wheel, "I owe him this much...letting him be with someone that makes him happy."  
  
"But I don't make him happy, Buffy. You do. I told you I could love Spike, but you didn't let me finish, he couldn't love me. He's a one woman man and you're the woman." Dana smiled at Buffy as the young woman turned to look at her.  
  
"But I hurt him, even when I don't try." Buffy made the next right on to Hobson.  
  
"And he hurt you, but its time for that to stop...now." Dana told her softly, "There it is, lets park at the back."  
  
Buffy parked the jeep next to Dr. Dawson's car. Dana turned to her, "Okay, whats the plan?"  
  
"You follow me in, you take care of Spike, I'll take out the bad guys." Buffy slowly opened the door to the building.  
  
"I have to warn you that George is a big guy." Dana told her worriedly.  
  
"The bigger they are the harder they fall." Buffy smiled, "Come on. Lets go save Spike."  
  
***  
  
Dr.Dawson lay the scalpel down again, "Hmm....better give you something to at least make you woozy, don't want you moving your head when I'm cutting." He pulled a syringe from the table and injected Spike.  
"We'll give this a minute to work and we'll be ready."  
  
Spike fought to stay lucid but soon his eyes were heavy, he wasn't asleep but he didn't have the focus to struggle as he watched Dr. Dawson pick up the scalpel once again.  
  
"Theres a light in that room." Buffy cautiously walked down the dark hallway. She peeped around the door jam and saw Spike secured to a table. A man with a scalpel stood beside him and a large man stood in the corner, that must be George. She stepped into the doorway, "I'd put that scalpel down if I were you."  
  
Dr. Dawson turned to face her, "As soon as I'm finished, I will. George." He nodded towards Buffy.  
  
The sight of Spike lying vulnerably on the table angered Buffy, but it also brought another feeling to the surface full force, what if she hadn't got there in time, what if she had lost him? All thoughts of saving Spike and nobly leaving him fled her mind.  
  
George moved menacingly towards Buffy as Spike watched bleary eyed from the table. Buffy? Buffy was here. He sighed softly, if this was a dream then he wanted to keep dreaming and if it wasn't.....well, he was quite sure that Buffy would take care of the problem....his eyes drifted closed again.  
  
When George was close enough to grab Buffy's arm she let loose with a punch to his nose so hard he hit the wall behind him. Dr. Dawson moved towards her brandishing the scalpel as she pummeled Georges  
face until he passed out she let him drop to the floor and turned quickly at the sound of Dr. Dawson's advancing steps.  
  
Dana entered the room then. "Go help Spike!" Buffy called to her as the other Doctor swiped at her with the scalpel making a long cut from her shoulder to elbow, blood flowed freely as she kicked him square in the stomach, the scalpel flying across the floor.  
  
Joseph Dawson experienced true fear as he watched the petite blonde ball of fury advance on him. George was rousing now, but made no effort to help the Doctor, he left the room as quickly as his bruised body would allow.  
  
Dana rushed to Spike's side, she quickly unfastened the restraints and helped him sit up. He was still groggy but awake enough to watch and listen to Buffy as she dealt with Dawson. "You okay? I should go help Buffy."  
  
Spike put his hand on her arm, "Buffy can handle this all on her own, just watch my girl in action."  
  
  
Dana stood and watched as Buffy allowed the man to partially stand before she pulled him the rest of the way up by the lapels of his jacket. "You have messed with the wrong person." She threw him against the wall, "You don't hurt "my people", any of them. Especially the man I love." She grinned as she said the words, suddenly she felt empowered by those long unsaid words.  
  
She flashed Spike a big beautiful smile, "You heard right." She told him sassily.  
  
Spike's face lit up with a smile, she said it, she loved him. Please, please don't let this be a dream.  
  
  
Buffy turned back to her foe. She punched Dawson in the face, "I suggest you leave town as soon as possible and if I ever see you anywhere near me or 'mine' " She turned to flash Spike a smile as she emphasized 'mine', "I will make you sorry you ever laid eyes on him."   
  
"You can't get away with this." Dawson spit out as the blood ran from his nose.  
  
"Oh, yes she can. Who are you going to complain to?" Dana asked stepping forward.  
  
"I'll have your license." He retorted.  
  
"Really? How? Think the medical board is ready to listen to your story about a vampire? Or maybe you prefer them to think that you were going to do experimental surgery on a human without permission?"  
Dana shook her head, "Of course I'm game to talk to them if you are."  
  
"I...I....fine, I've wanted to get out of this town for a long time now. But mark my words, Dana, being a do gooder for monsters will backfire eventually." He glared at the young woman.  
  
"I'll take my chances, Joseph." Dana replied as Buffy let go of the man and he stomped out the door.  
  
Buffy rushed to Spike's side, "Are you okay?" She asked as she gently ran her hand over the shaved spot on the back of his head.  
  
"I'm fine, Buffy." He leaned his head against her forehead, "Did you mean it?" He asked softly afraid that she would take back the profession now that the danger was over.  
  
"Yes, I meant it, every word." Tears rolled down her cheeks, "I'm just sorry it took me so long."  
  
"It's okay, it's okay, luv." He ran his hands down her arms, pulling his hand back he cringed when he saw the blood from the scalpel wound, "You're hurt!"  
  
"It's not as bad as it looks. I'm fine." She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him closely to her, "We're both going to be fine, now."  
  
Dana watched the couple for a moment before interrupting, "I think we should get out of here, Buffy, I'll take a look at that arm for you at my clinic."  
  
"Thanks, Dana." Buffy smiled, "For everything."  
  
"Yeah, thanks. We owe you one." Spike carefully climbed down from the table, Buffy placed her arm around his waist and helped him to the car.   
  
"It was my pleasure." Dana took the keys from Buffy and drove back to the clinic.  
  
  
Buffy and Spike sat together in the back seat, Spike leaning against Buffy as she held tightly to his hand.  
"We still have things to talk about." Buffy whispered to him.  
  
"I know." He replied with a worried sigh.  
  
"But we can do this." She reassured him placing a kiss on the top of his head.  
  
"Yeah, I think we can." He told her truthfully as he rested against her.  
  
Dana helped Buffy to her office where she cleaned the wound and neatly bandaged it . "I guess you'll have to find another doctor to help around here now." Buffy told her as she stood.  
  
"Actually, I've been thinking that I need to find a couple of doctors, I think I'm going to be leaving Sunnydale for awhile."  
  
"You're leaving?" Spike asked as he pulled Buffy closer to him.  
  
"Yes, I think I'm going to keep you here a bit longer make sure your nightmares are gone, and when I release you I'm going to Seattle."  
  
"Seattle?" Buffy asked curiously.  
  
"Yes, Matthew is there. My boyfriend from LA. We went through a bad time....but I realized tonight that if the two of you - who by the way are the most messed up couple I've ever had the pleasure of treating." She laughed softly.  
  
"Hey!" Buffy and Spike answered in unison.  
  
She rolled her eyes, "If you two can work it out then Matthew and I can hopefully work it out too."  
  
"Good on you, Dana." Spike reached for Dana's hand and squeezed it.  
  
"Thanks. Now Buffy, I think you and Spike both need some rest." Dana led them out of her office and walked to Spike's room.  
  
Buffy helped Spike into his bed and kissed his forehead. Dana could tell that Buffy was hesitant to leave him. She sat beside the bed his hand tight in hers. "Tell you what, we don't usually allow visitors to stay the night....but I think I can make an exception. Buffy, since your sister is gone for the night, why don't you stay here?"  
  
"I'd like that." Buffy answered softly her gaze resting on Spike.  
  
"I'll leave you two then, get some rest." Dana smiled as she left the room.  
  
"Well, come on," Spike grinned as he scooted over in the small bed.  
  
Buffy grinned back as she climbed under the covers with him, "I love you, you know." The words were soft and sincere.  
  
"I know.." He kissed her softly, "I love you too."  
  
  
  
Buffy lay on her side with her good arm under her, nestled against Spike's chest. His arm lying gently over her bandaged one. They fell asleep that way, safe and secure in each others arms and thats how Dana found them when she peeked into the room on her way out. Standing at the doorway, she marvelled at the couple in front of her, so badly hurt, two broken hearts that once kept them from happiness. Love was great medicine though and as they lay there she could see two people very obviously in love........their hearts already healing.  
  
The end 


End file.
